Complete Insanity
by LoveKittyPaw
Summary: Legolas is obsessed with self help books, Merry talks to his stuffed cat Mr. Whiskers, Aragorn likes butter, Gandalf's turned into a hippy, Frodo bursts into song...It's just like the title : Complete Insanity. PLEASE REVIEW!!!!! I LOVE REVIEWS!!!
1. Chapter One : Mr Whiskers!

~*~  
  
It was a day, a day like any other day in Middle Earth, except for one thing (or 9 things) The fellowship was lost. Not surprising.  
  
  
  
"Merry?"  
  
"What Pippin?"  
  
"I'm hungry."  
  
"But you just ate, remember, we're still on our weight watcher's program"  
  
"I want a Slim Fast."  
  
"Pippin, be strong. Remember what Oprah says, learn to accept yourself." Chimed in Legolas as he was leafing through a 'Dr. Phil – How to stop Obsessing About What Others Think And Love Yourself' self-help book.  
  
"He's been addicted to Oprah and Dr. Phil since some girl told him he should use Herbal Essence Shampoo instead of L'Oreal." Hissed Sam sadly to Frodo, who was humming the theme of 'The Phantom of the Opera' to himself.  
  
"Do you know what we REALLY need?": asked Aragorn. The others looked on expectantly. "Butter." He whispered, as if this was the most well kept secret in the world.  
  
"No, no, butter is very bad!" said Pippin suddenly. "Very high cholesterol. Slim Fast is MUCH better. Not only is it nutritious and good tasting, Slim Fast…." Pippin went on without anybody noticing. Gimli sat quietly by himself, braiding his beard.  
  
"Nobody likes BUTTER." Said Boromir angrily. "Chocolate is great. It gets you hyper, very bouncy…"  
  
"Did you know that if a cat ate chocolate it would die?' said Merry in a hushed voice. "Poor kitty……...I wish there was a kitty around……here kitty kitty kitty kitty………" he said, as if calling a cat.  
  
"PUSSY CAT PUSSY CAT WHERE ARE YOU….." suddenly burst out Frodo.  
  
"Oh look, he's singing a kitty song!" said Merry, happily clapping his hands. "Sing more Frodo!" Frodo obligingly sang the rest of 'Pussy cat Pussy cat' (Or whatever the song's name is) for Merry, who had taken out his stuffed cat from his pack, Mr. Whiskers. "Mr. Whiskers, don't you like Frodo's voice?" Merry moved Mr. Whisker's head so that he nodded. "Good kitty."  
  
"And that is why Slim Fast is the optimal choice for weight loss." Pippin finished the speech about Slim Fast nobody had been listening to.  
  
"Dudes," said Gandalf suddenly, "Just Chill, ok?" everybody looked to where Gandalf was sitting in the grass, listening to a C.D player a smoking a joint.  
  
"Gandalf, what the hell….." started Aragorn. "You need some butter man." He finished. Gandalf looked interested.  
  
"Butter? Is that a new drug?" said Gandalf, raising his eyebrows.  
  
"Mr. Whiskers doesn't like drugs, do you Mr. Whiskers?" asked Merry to Mr. Whiskers. Merry shook Mr. Whiskers head. "I love you Mr. Whiskers." He said, giving Mr. Whiskers a hug.  
  
"Merry, I don't mean to judge you, but it says here in Dr. Phil's 'A Guide For A Healthy Life' that forming unhealthy relationships with an inanimate object could be harmful to you and those around you." Legolas said. Merry frowned.  
  
"But I love Mr. Whiskers. We've been through some tough times together………" story goes all wavy and fuzzy……………..  
  
~*Flashback*~  
  
Merry and Mr. Whiskers sit at a dining table with no food on it. Merry starts to cry.  
  
"I'm hungry…….." He hugs Mr. Whiskers. "I love you Mr. Whiskers. Don't ever go away, ever."  
  
  
  
~*End Flashback*~  
  
"Mr. Whiskers said that he'd never leave me. And he never has." Finished Merry, kissing Mr. Whiskers on the forehead.  
  
"Your stuffed cat can talk?" asked Boromir. Gimli sat quietly, braiding his beard.  
  
~* Author's Note*~ Completely Insane, right? I'll have chapter 2 up soon, oh, and please read my other 2 lotr ff The Hairdresser and Two Ugly Sisters. REVIEW REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	2. Chapter Two : Slim Fast Cult

~* Author's Note*~ Yes, this story IS complete insanity. Just how I like it lol. If anybody has any crazy requests or ideas for this story, don't hesitate to ask! I'll practically ALWAYS put them in! Great! Well, with that said, read and review! I LOVE REVIEWS, THEY MAKE MY DAY, I LOVE THEM MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF!  
  
  
  
  
  
The next day, the fellowship had stopped in a field when Pippin put down his pack (which had gotten suspiciously huge), and it fell down in the grass with a CLANK!!! Everybody stared.  
  
"Pip, Mr. Whiskers wants to know what's in your pack." Said Merry suspiciously, tugging on the 'collar' made of grass and leaves he had put on Mr. Whiskers earlier that day.  
  
"Tell Mr. Whiskers I could care less." Said Pippin. Merry frowned and whispered Pippin's message in Mr. Whiskers' ear. Then he stayed still, his head cocked to one side, as if he was listening to Mr. Whiskers' response for about 5 seconds.  
  
"Mr. Whiskers says that's not very nice." Merry finally said.  
  
"Yeah Pippin, What IS in your pack?' asked Aragorn. Then he got a wild gleam in his eye. "Could it be….butter you're trying to hide from me?" he whispered.  
  
"Aragorn, I told you, CHOCOLATE-" but Legolas, with his elfin skills, had already slunk off with Pippin's pack and opened it to reveal cans and cans and cans and cans and cans…..of Slim Fast.  
  
"PIPPIN!" Legolas burst out, "When I showed you that Oprah episode about addictions yesterday, I thought WE CLEARLY DECIDED that you wouldn't drink Slim Fast anymore!!" said Legolas angrily.  
  
"Besides," said Sam, "Where'd you get them all?"  
  
"FromtheelvesinRivendell" muttered Pippin.  
  
"What?" asked Merry. "Mr. Whiskers couldn't hear."  
  
"FROM THE ELVES IN RIVENDELL, OK? YES! THEY DRINK SLIM FAST TOO! SO I JOINED A SLIM FAST CULT THERE AND AFTER WE DID OUR SECRET SLIM FAST ORGIES THEY GAVE EVERYONE A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF SLIM FAST!!!!" Pippin screamed. Everybody's mouths hung open. (including Mr. Whiskers.)  
  
"What- What 'Slim Fast Orgies'? " asked Frodo in a singsong voice. (he can't stop singing. In fact, the whole time this chapter has been going on, he's been singing Britney Spears' 'Oops I Did It Again' to himself.) Pippin still looked angry.  
  
"WE HAD TO DANCE AROUND A SCALE WEARING NOTHING BUT CLOTHES MADE OF EMPTY BOTTLES OF SLIM FAST THEN GET A RITUALISTIC SLIM FAST TATOO TO PLEASE THE GOD OF SLIMNESS THEN WEIGH OURSELVES AND FALL OPON THE FLOOR SCREAMING OUR THANKS TO THE GODS.!! OK? YOU JUST HAD TO KNOW!!" burst out Pippin.  
  
"Mr. Whiskers and I are SHOCKED." Said Merry. Legolas sighed.  
  
"Its ok Pippin. I used to be obsessed with my hair, and my looks, But then, it all changed when this girl told me I should….I should…."Legolas looked like he was about to cry, "SWITH TO HERBAL ESSENCES!" Legolas burst into tears and ran away screaming 'Why? Why?!" Throughout all this, Gandalf has gotten into a trance-like state by smoking his weed and occasionally started making small talk to his hat, which he had named Mrs. Leathery The Hat. Gimli sat quietly, braiding his beard. Merry sighed.  
  
"Mr. Whiskers, I'm sorry you had to go through all this. You can go over to Gandalf now and play with your friend Mrs. Leathery The Hat." Merry put Mr. Whiskers down, but as Mr. Whiskers was stuffed he just stood there and didn't go anywhere near Mrs. Leathery The Hat. But Merry didn't seem to notice. He just called out over in Gandalf's direction, "Have fun with Mrs. Leathery The Hat!" Boromir turned to Pippin.  
  
"Slim Fast….tattoo?" Pippin groaned and pulled of his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a Slim Fast can on his shoulder with the words 'Nutritious and Delicious' around it. Boromir shook his head. Aragorn was going through everyone's packs to search for butter, but was finding rather….interesting things inside. Inside Legolas', not surprising, was a complete set of all of Dr. Phil's books and some taped Oprah episodes. In Pippin's was Slim Fast cans, magazines, promo offers, a weight watcher's guide, and a book called 'Living Healthy With Slim Fast.' Then, Aragorn got to Sam's. He unzipped it…..AND PULLED OUT A PORN MAGAZINE WITH ALL OF THE GUY'S HEADS CUT OUT AND REPLACED WITH A PICTURE OF FRODO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Frodo, who had seen the pictures when Aragorn pulled it out, was startled out of the chorus of 'I Will Survive' and started to scream and run away as fast as he possibly could.  
  
  
  
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!"  
  
"NO NO WAIT MR. FRODO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN EXPLAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Sam after him. Merry pulled Mr. Whiskers away from his thrilling playtime with Mrs. Leathery the Hat and hugged him close. It had been a long, disturbing chapter. 


	3. Chapter Three : The Secret Butter spring...

~*Author's Note*~ Ah yes, the REAL quest of the fellowship is revealed. Think they were trying to destroy the ring? THINK AGAIN! Frodo's song 'May It Be' was requested by my lovely reviewer Basilisk, so here it is! Also, the song 'Underneath Your Clothes' goes to my other nice reviewer Cliffhanger, who requested it! = ) And also, the Legolas as the next Dr. Phil is for my OTHER reviewer Bloombabe . Thank you so much for the ideas! And once again, if anyone would like to request crazy things for them to do, don't hesitate! I love putting things in! THANK YOU FOR ALL REVIEWS AND KEEP 'EM COMIN' !!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!! THEY REALLY MAKE MY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
It was nighttime, and the fellowship were all sleeping underneath a big tree. Legolas snored happily, having a wonderful dream……….  
  
~*Story goes all wavy and fuzzy*~  
  
~*Inside Legolas' dream*~  
  
Legolas, with his blonde hair cut shorter and with a mustache, is dressed in a suit and tie and is sitting next to Oprah on her show. He and Oprah are chatting, and Legolas now a.k.a 'Dr.Greenleaf' is holding up a copy of his new book, "How to Find Your Inner Elf.' The book has a picture of him on the front winking and pointing to his elf ears. The audience, made up completely of fangirls, is sighing happily, entranced by Legolas.  
  
"And of course," said Legolas, holding up his index finger, "the #1 thing to remember is just to love and respect yourself."  
  
The fangirls all smile and scream "We love you Dr. Greenleaf!!" one girl says, 'I just want you to know Dr. Greenleaf, you've…' she started to cry," you've changed my life!" she sobs. Legolas smiles and gives her a hug, patting her on the back.  
  
"This is just heartwarming." Says Oprah. "Now, we have our surprise musical guest." She motions toward the stage, where a figure is standing. The lights go up to reveal none other than Frodo, wearing a tight Ricky martin outfit. Though the outfit was weird, Legolas reminded himself that after al it WAS Frodo, and he was with Oprah. Surprisingly, he's sang quite well.  
  
"May it be an evening star  
  
Shines down upon you  
  
And may it be when darkness falls  
  
Your heart will be true  
  
You walk a lonely road  
  
Oh how far are you from home….."  
  
Then, suddenly, Legolas' dream turned into a horrible nightmare, when Frodo's tight Ricky Martin outfit turned into the practically see-through clothes Britney Spears was wearing at the MTV Video Music Awards when she sang "Oops I did It Again". Frodo's voice also turned horrible, like Christiana Aguilera when she's on crack.  
  
"UNDERNEATH YOUR CLOTHES  
  
THERE'S AN-"  
  
  
  
~*End Dream*~  
  
Legolas woke up gasping, covering his ears as he tried to find out what was making that HORRIBLE noise.  
  
"ENDLESS STORY" continued Frodo.  
  
"THERE'S THE MAN I CHOSE  
  
THERE'S MY TERRITORY" sang Sam, putting his arms around Frodo's shoulders. Frodo stopped singing and looked at Sam weirdly, before remembering the playgirl magazine Sam had with his face glued in.  
  
  
  
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed, running away.  
  
"NO MR. FRODO, GIVE ME A CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Sam back, running after him. Merry woke up, rubbing his eyes, and turned to Mr. Whiskers, who was 'asleep' in a pile of leaves. He lifted Mr. Whiskers up, then said in alarm :  
  
"OH MY GOD MR. WHISKERS JUST SNEEZED! HE'S SICK! HE'S GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Merry, squeezing Mr. Whiskers. Pippin lay on the ground, not moving.  
  
"Pippin?" said Boromir, poking him. Pippin didn't move. "Are you ok?" Pippin didn't move. Aragorn bent over to look at him, and saw that Pippin had a can of Slim Fast in his hand.  
  
"I…I think Pippin overdosed…on Slim Fast." Said Aragorn quietly. Merry wailed.  
  
"FIRST MR. WHISKERS, NOW PIP!!!!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"No, no, Merry." Said Boromir quickly. "He just needs the special Anti-Slim Fatness Antidote." Merry sniffed.  
  
"The Anti-Slim Fatness Antidote?" his lower lip trembled. "BUT WHAT ABOUT MR. WHISKERS?!" Gandalf, who had gotten up, poked Mr. Whiskers.  
  
"There's nothing we can do to save him." He said. Merry sobbed.  
  
"NOTHING?!"  
  
"I'm afraid not." Gandalf took off Mrs. Leathery The Hat. "He's too far gone."  
  
"WAIT!" said Aragorn. "I remember something my father once told me…." He looks off into the distance like in a really cheesy movie and music starts to play in the background. "I remember….my father said that if you have an inanimate stuffed cat that gets sick, take him to the secret butter springs and he will be cured."  
  
"The…the secret butter springs?"  
  
"Yes. They are located between pea valley and mashed potato hill, after the broccoli flatlands."  
  
"But what about the Anti-Slim Fatness Antidote for Pippin?" asked Merry.  
  
"We shall look for it on the way. Pippin is in no immediate danger. He's just in a Slim Fast coma."  
  
"THEN ON TO THE SECRET BUTTER SPRINGS!" said Boromir.  
  
"I rename us : THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BUTTER!" 


	4. Chepter Four : WE SHOULD BE LOVERS!

~*Author's Note*~ I was inspired by watching Moulin Rouge, so I decided to do a Sam/Frodo love medley. My little sister's Britney Spears obsession takes its toll. You'll see….. Oh and a quick thanks to Cliffhanger for the 'I'm A Slave For You ' idea. And to Princess Jennalea – heeeeeeeeere's GOLLUM! (kinda…) THANK YOU FOR ALL THE REVIEWS! When I saw them all (I was away for 2 days) I was so happy I ran around the house doing happy cheerleader moves! NOT a good idea, as I am not a cheerleader….Anyway, really thank you. I mean it. Seriously. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he he  
  
  
  
The Fellowship was walking. And walking. Merry, who was convinced that Mr. Whiskers had 'cat nip pneumonia' and was going to die soon, carried him on a stretcher made of vines and leaves, playing weird monk chants on his portable C.D player next to him carrying a lit candle. Pippin, meanwhile, was being carried by Gimli (YAY! I actually made him do something!) drooling Slim Fast. Aragorn was gnawing happily on a stick of butter, which he had captured and blackmailed an elf by saying he would make him wear a wig of Aragorn's hair if he didn't give it to him. Frodo and Sam were walking at the end of the group, Frodo singing Usher's 'U Got It Bad' under his breath. Aragorn pulled out the map.  
  
"Now……….it says here that the secret butter springs are beyond Mashed Potato Hill.. Then, we must pass the dreaded…." He continued in a whisper, "broccoli flatlands." Merry looked up.  
  
"The…dreaded…" Merry lowered his voice, "broccoli flatlands?" he whispered. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Be strong Merry." Said Boromir.  
  
"You……DO KNOW what is in…" he whispered, "The dreaded broccoli flatlands., don't you?'  
  
"What?" asked Merry in a shaky voice.  
  
"Well, you see, parents always tell you to eat your vegetables…but do you know what really happens when you actually…DO?" Aragorn asked. The pair shook their heads. "The tortured souls of the eaten vegetables roam the…" he lowered his voice. broccoli flatlands, turning everyone they touch into…" he shuddered. "A turnip."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT A TURNIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Boromir yelled, running to corner and hugging his knees saying, 'not a turnip, no please anything but a turnip.' Gandalf took off Mrs. Leathery The Hat and turned to Aragorn and Merry.  
  
"Aragorn….I think you have to tell them about pea valley."  
  
"Ah yes," said Aragorn, looking into the distance. "Pea valley." (angels sing in the background.) "The most fairest place in all of Middle Earth. This is the realm of the beautiful Pea-Headed elves."  
  
"Ahhhhh….pea valley…" whispered Gandalf. "Mrs. Leathery The Hat always told me she dreamed of going there. And now, Mrs. Leathery The Hat will get her wish."  
  
  
  
~*Meanwhile…*~  
  
" Mr. Frodo, I really think you should give me a chance." Said Sam for the 1 millionth time.  
  
"No."  
  
"But-"  
  
"No."  
  
"But-"  
  
"No."  
  
"But-"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
"I'M A SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE FOR YOU!  
  
I WON'T DENIE IT! I'M NOT TRYING TO HIDE IT!" sang Sam, spontaneously bursting into song  
  
"I THINK I DID IT AGAIN! I MADE YOU BELIEVE WE'RE MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS!" sang Frodo.  
  
"YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY! I JUST CAN'T SLEEP!  
  
I'M SO EXCITED, I'M IN TOO DEEP!!"  
  
"I'M STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY!  
  
IT'S NOTHIN' BUT MYYYYYYYYYY WAAAYYY MY  
  
LONLINESS AIN'T KILLING ME NO MORE!!"  
  
"I'M NOT A GIRL NOT YET A WOMAN!" (music suddenly stops) "Oh, wait, wrong song." Said Sam. Then he remembered Moulin Rouge, one of the best movies in the world.  
  
"WE SHOULD BE LOVERS!!!!"  
  
"We can't do that." Sang along Frodo.  
  
"WE SHOULD BE LOVERS AND THAT'S A FACT!!"  
  
"Only mushrooms…could keep us together………."  
  
"We could steal some….just for one day."  
  
" WE COULD EAT MUSHROOMS………FOREVER AND EVER! WE COULD EAT MUSHROOMS…..FOR EVER AND EVER!!" they sang together.  
  
"JUST BECAUSE IIIIIIIIIIII WILL SAVE MR.WHISKERS WITH YOU!"  
  
"IIIIIIIIIIIII WILL HAVE TO TOLERATE THAT TOO!" sang Frodo. Then- "No…wait." He said. "I-I can't do this."  
  
"Is there….someone else?' Sam whispered in horror.  
  
"Yes Sam. I'm sorry."  
  
"W…ho…?" Sam said, almost in tears. Frodo sighed.  
  
"Gollum. Yes Sam, I love Gollum. He's so good to me, and I LOVE the sexy way he croaks….." Sam started to sob. "And those giant, creepy eyes…..and his weird, long fingers…."  
  
  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sam yelled, running away. "NOT GOLLUMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!"  
  
Merry, looking at the hobbits, sighed and petted Mr. Whiskers gently on the head, attempting to feed him his special 'cat nip pneumonia antidote' but not succeeding because, of course, Mr. Whiskers was stuffed. He sniffed sadly. He just hoped Mr. Whiskers would be o.k. 


	5. Chapter Five : The Joke Boat andDUUUUUUU...

~*Author's Notes*~ OMG, thank you everybody for reviewing. I really, really appreciate it. I like SCREAM in happiness every time I get more reviews. Just ask my sister, she'll know. Don't worry, the finding of the butter springs will continue chapter after next, once their high has worn off….you'll see. THANKS AGAIN!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
It was the next morning. The fellowship was sitting down to eat breakfast, when Legolas, who was extremely groggy, volunteered to get everyone coffee, that is to say, the hobbits special foot-hair growing coffee (guaranteed to make foot hair shinier and thicker), Boromir's king- wannabe coffee (proven to evoke more monarchial habits in just 2 weeks) Gimli's beard-braiding coffee (braids your beard by itself-so YOU won't have to!) Aragorn's ranger-hair coffee with special butter flavorings (with its patented ingredients, is guaranteed to clean your hair for you) Gandalf's weed-coffee (think you were high? THINK AGAIN!) And of course, his very own raspberry coffee. ( the most secret… secret of the elves : drink raspberry coffee and it makes you happy and hyper all day). So he was measuring out all the coffee, when he accidentally brewed way too much of Gandalf's weed-coffee. Not that it mattered, Gandalf would drink it throughout the day. So he was pouring the coffee, but he accidentally poured everyone from the wrong coffee maker! HE POURED THEM GANDALF'S WEED- COFFEE! Legolas though, didn't know he had poured them drinks from the wrong pot. (excuse my pun) So he just gave them their mugs and sipped his himself.  
  
"Hey, this tastes a little like…grass." Observed Boromir, staring suspiciously at the green-colored, vegetable flavored liquid.  
  
"Yeah." Said Aragorn. "Not like my normal morning cup of butter."  
  
"You're right, it's a little like a mildly spicy green jelly bean." Said Frodo. Everyone stared at him.  
  
"I don't see anything wrong." Said Gandalf, pausing to puff at his joint.  
  
"Whatever it is, it's definitely NOT raspberry flavored." Everybody stared. "not that raspberry coffee is like the most well-kept secret …secret of the elves or anything." He hurriedly added.  
  
"I kinda like it." Announced Sam. "It makes me feel…good."  
  
"Yeah…" Frodo giggled. Everyone started laughing too. And laughing. And laughing. For no apparent reason.  
  
"It feels like you're kinda…inside a joke." Said Legolas.  
  
"But if you stay still, it's kinda like you're on a boat." Said Gimli. (YEY! He talked!)  
  
"You're inside a joke…on a boat! YOU'RE ON A JOKE BOAT!" said Frodo triumphantly.  
  
  
  
"YEAH!" said everyone else.  
  
"I'll be your joke boat…TUG BOAT!" Said Sam. Frodo looked at him, but was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to high to remember why that should gross him out.  
  
"OK!" he said happily. Merry looked at Mr. Whiskers.  
  
"I LOVE YOU MR.WHISKERS!" then he stopped, amazed. "I KNOW WHO I REMIND MYSELF OF!"  
  
"WHO?" everybody asked.  
  
"DR. EVIL!!!" he said happily. "Come, Mr. Whiskers." He said, in his Dr. Evil voice. "Try a hot pocket, they're breathtaking."  
  
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOH I KNOW WHO I AM!!" said Legolas. " I'm that guy from Dude Where's My Car!!"  
  
"YEAH!" said everybody.  
  
"DUDE ME TOO!" said Gimli.  
  
"DUDE NO WAY!" said Legolas.  
  
"DUDE!"  
  
"DUDE!"  
  
"DUDE!"  
  
"DUDE!"  
  
"DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they said together.  
  
"Good freakin' God, you too better shut up before I incinerate you with my giant 'laser'. " Merry said, complete with the quotation mark hand sign thingys.  
  
"Dude chill." Said Gimli. "Oh dudes! Do you know what we should do?" everybody shook their heads. "DUDE WE SHOULD MAKE OUR OWN MOVIE!!!!!!"  
  
"YEY!" everybody said.  
  
"OH! OH!" said Frodo. "Who am I?" everybody thought. Hard.  
  
"Oh I know! YOU'RE CHRISTIAN FROM MOULIN ROUGE!!!" said Legolas.  
  
"NO I'M CHRISTIAN!!" said Sam angrily.  
  
"No I am! I'm already the ring bearer, so I should also be Christian." Said Frodo.  
  
"Okay, that just made no sense but whatever." Said Aragorn. "Ok, Sam you can be Satine."  
  
"YEY!!" Everybody started, trying to get the horrible bad mental image of Sam being Satine and Frodo being Christian from their minds, but then-  
  
"NO!" said Frodo. "Be the duke."  
  
"NO I WANT TO BE SATIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Sam.  
  
"Ok…….." Said Frodo finally, backing away slowly..  
  
"YEY!" said everyone else.  
  
"So….umm….who am I?" said Aragorn.  
  
"Oh oh! I know! Be Neo from the Matrix!" said Sam. "And Boromir can be Morpheius."  
  
"Ok!" everyone said cheerily.  
  
"But who's Gimli?" everybody thought.  
  
"He can be the duke." Said Sam.  
  
"YEY!!!" said everyone.  
  
  
  
And so, the fellowship decided to start the filming of 'Dude Where's My Evil Courtesan In The Matrix?" in the next chapter before the high wore off. Merry, who started calling his stuffed cat Mr. Whiskersworth to try to get into character, took a big bite of a hot pocket, vaguely thinking that he admired Mr. Whiskersworth's mojo. 


	6. Chapter Six : Where's My Evil Courtesan ...

~*Author's Note*~ OMG THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I LUV YOU!!!!!!!!!!! *MWUAH!!* I hope you like it. PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THEM I LIVE FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanx. Lots of love!!  
  
  
  
" HE MET SAAAAAAAAAM DOWN IN OL' MOULIN ROUGE! STRUTTING HIS STUFF ON THE STREET  
  
HE SAID HELLO FRODO, YOU WANNA GIVE IT A GO WOAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" sang Sam, shaking around his feather boa.  
  
"NO! CUT!!" yelled Merry. "Sam when you say 'hello Frodo, you wanna give it a go' you're supposed to do a split."  
  
"But I can't-" started Sam  
  
"NO THIS IS MY VISION! MY WORK, MY LIFE!!!!"  
  
"Merry, you've been working on this for ½ an hour."  
  
"Besides, when do we get to OUR part?" asked Legolas, motioning to him and Gimli. Merry sighed.  
  
"Fine, FINE, we'll do the 'dude' scene now…" said Merry. "Ok, and……..action."  
  
"DUDE! YOU GOT A TATTOO!!" said Gimli.  
  
"DUDE! YOU DID TOO!!" said Legolas.  
  
"DUDE! WHAT'S MINE SAY?" said Gimli…well, you get it now.  
  
"GALADRIEL!"  
  
"WHAT'S MINE SAY?"  
  
"SUCKS!"  
  
"GALADRIEL!"  
  
"SUCKS!"  
  
"GALADRIEL!"  
  
"SUCKS!"  
  
"Galad- HEY WHO CHANGED THE SCRIPTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Gimli in outrage. We all now about Gimli's unhealthy unnatural obsession with Galadriel. Merry starts to giggle. "MERRY WAS THAT YOU?!" Merry looks horrified.  
  
"OF COURSE NOT! ……….it was Mrs. Leathery The Hat." He said, pointing to Mrs. Leathery The Hat. Mrs. Leathery The Hat sits there looking very leathery….and very much like a hat. Which would make sense, because her name is Mrs. Leathery The Hat.  
  
"Well, sorry Gimli old pal, but we gotta keep that cut. Yeah…so on to *duh nuuu nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu* THE MATRIX SCENE!!!"  
  
"WHAT? NO! THIS IS INJUSTICE!! THE LADY GALADRIEL IS FAIR AND….." everybody tuned Gimli out after that.  
  
"AND………..ACTION!" said Merry.  
  
"So, it is your choice Aragorn, I mean Neo…….you can take the blue pill or the red pill." Said Boromir, a.k.a. Morphius.  
  
"Wait…what will happen?"  
  
"Well Aragorn, I mean Neo……If you take the red pill, you will awaken into the 'real world', which is actually disgusting, go through all this pain, and live in a worse world. The food's bad, its ugly, hey, all in all, the world's just plain shit." Aragorn blinks. "Or you can take the blue pill and stay in this nice pretty world……even though its fake." Aragorn blinks again. "It is your choice Aragorn," Aragorn blinks yet again.  
  
"HEY I'M TAKIN THE BLUE PILL! SCREW THE REAL WORLD!!" he said, reaching for the pill.  
  
"No, no Aragorn." Merry interrupted in a whisper. "You're supposed to take the RED pill."  
  
"But WHY? It seems like I really stupid choice." He hissed back.  
  
"I..actually…..dunno……..why DOES he take the red pill? Oh well. …yeah, just take the red pill." Aragorn shrugged.  
  
I'll take the red pill." He said.  
  
"Ah good choice Aragorn."  
  
"MY NAME'S NEO FOR GOD'S SAKE, OK? GET IT RIIIIIGHT!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Yeah, so THAAAAAAATs a wrap." Said Merry. "Right. Now, I must do MY Dr,. Evil scene, so Boromir, YOU get to direct."  
  
"YEEEEEEEEEEY!!!" said Boromir, grabbing the camera. "annnnnnnnnnnd…………..ACTTION!!!"  
  
"COME MR. WHISKERSWORTH!!" said Merry. Mr. Whiskers a.k.a. Mr. Whiskersworth did not come. Merry cleared his throat. "I said, 'COME MR. WHISKERSWORTH!!" Mr. Whiskers did not come, as he is stuffed. "Good freakin' god, will somebody give me my freakin' cat? I mean, throw me a freakin' bone here." Somebody threw Mr. Whiskers to Merry, and one of those cat-wailing sound effects happens. But as Mr. whiskers is stuffed and cannot wail, this does not make sense. Merry caught Mr. Whiskers. "COME MR. WHISKERSWORTH! WE MUST DESTROY OUR ARCHENEMY………." He does the pinky weird smile thing. "MRS. LEATHERY THE HAT POWERS!!!!!!!!!" Mrs. Leathery The Hat Powers is wearing a female symbol necklace and has horrible yellow teeth.  
  
"ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND CUT!": said Boromir. He looked at the camera, puzzled. "How do I turn it off? Wait…I see writing……..'Made by Barbie'? ….What…….'Best used with the Hollywood Barbie Playset'? "  
  
"MERRY YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU RECORDED OUR BRILLIANT MOVE 'WHERE'S MY EVIL COURTESAN IN THE MATRIX' WITH A BARBIE CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 


	7. Chapter Seven : Not just some pills, but...

It was the next morning. The fellowship, having gotten off their high, totally forgot everything that they had done the other day. Their only clues were a hot pink Barbie camera, Mrs. Leathery The Hat wearing a female symbol necklace and horrible yellow teeth, and two pills. Two pills. A red pill and a blue pill. It was the pills that disturbed the fellowship the most. Gandalf hopefully found them thinking they were ecstasy, but quickly decided otherwise. (Please don't ask me how.) Everybody gathered around them apprehensively.  
  
"Well." Said Merry.  
  
"There they are." Said Boromoir.  
  
"They are pills." Observed Gimli.  
  
"That are here." Said Frodo. "In front of us."  
  
"So to recap, we know that they're pills that are here in front of us." Said Aragorn.  
  
"But why are they here?" said Sam. Suddenly his eyes widened, and he looked horrified. "Wait……..we don't know what we did last night, right?' everybody nodded. "So…..think about it….what do you use pills for……at NIGHT……."  
  
"Cough medicine?" asked Merry.  
  
"NO YOU IDIOT!" said Legolas. "WHAT IF THESE ARE NOT JUST SOME PILLS, THEY'RE 'THE PILLS'?!" he burst out.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Merry, hugging Mr. Whiskers. "But I thought only GIRLS could use 'the pill'!" he said, hiding behind Aragorn in horror. There was a deadly silence. Crickets chirped in the background.  
  
"Guys………..well, assuming you all ARE guys…….Is there something anybody wants to….tell us?" asked Boromir in a whisper. Everybody looked around at each other distrustfully.  
  
"Aragorn?" asked Gimli. Aragorn shook his head emphatically.  
  
"Helooooooooooooooo, would a girl have this hair?" he asked. Everybody considered.  
  
"Ok, it's definitely not Aragorn."  
  
"Hmmm……….Frodo?"  
  
"Trust me," said Sam, "Mr. Frodo is NOT a girl!"  
  
"Oh my." Whispered Merry.  
  
"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT SAM!?!" asked Frodo. Sam blinked.  
  
"I REALLY don't think you want to know." Said Legolas.  
  
"O…….H……..MY………GOD……………N……..OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Frodo, running away.  
  
"NO MR. FRODO!!!! NO!!! I DON'T KNOW!! YOU COULD BE A GIRL!!!! NO!! JUST PLEASE WAAAAAAAAAAAAiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttt…………." His voice faded off as he ran after Frodo. A minute later he came back, defeated. Everybody stared at each other. Then at Legolas. And stared. And suddenly, it clicked.  
  
"IT'S LEGOLAS!!!" they screamed.  
  
"WHAAATTTTTTTTTTT?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Legolas roared.  
  
"See, IT ALL FITS! The perfect hair, skin, Oprah obsession…….."  
  
"OH MY GOD LEGOLAS! YOU"RE A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they all yelled.  
  
"NO I AM NOT!!!!!" he yelled back.  
  
"ARE TOO!"  
  
"AM NOT!"  
  
"ARE TOO!!"  
  
"AM NOT!"  
  
"ARE TOO!!"  
  
"AM NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTT!" he bellowed, scaring even Mrs. Leathery The Hat. "LOOK!!! I'll PROVE IT!!!" He said, and took off his pants.  
  
"Oh my." Merry whispered, covering Mr. Whiskers' eyes, shocked.  
  
"Well, he's DEFINETLY not a girl." Said Aragorn, stunned.  
  
"But he's got a very b-"  
  
"SHUT UP SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
~*Author's Note*~ OMG sorry this chapter sucked! ^_^ It'll get better. My muse Mr. Whiskers is in Hawaii on vacation (he guest starred in this ff obviously) and has decided not to inspire me w/ any funny chapter ideas! **sniff** But he gets back on Wednesday, so perhaps then it will be better! Thank you for reading this chapter of my little story! REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!! AND THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL OF MY FAITHFUL REVIEWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KEEP REVIEWING, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	8. Chapter Eight : THE BLAIR BROCCOLI!

After the traumatizing experience about if Legolas was a girl or not, the fellowship was more than happy to continue on their quest to find the secret butter springs and the anti-slim fatness antidote. And so, Aragorn whipped out his trusty map once more.  
  
"Hmmmmm, ok, it says here that we have to pass over the marijuana fields, go north towards crackhead desert, go through ecstasy valley, and then to Viagra falls." Everyone blinked. "VIAGRA FALLS????" He turned the map over to the back, which had pictures of naked women polishing a wizard's staff. The top read 'PLAYWITCH'.  
  
"That's MINE!" said Gandalf, snatching the map away. "Here's YOUR map." He said, giving a crumpled piece of paper back to Aragorn. Aragorn opened it.  
  
"Right then. It looks like we have to head east into the broccoli flatlands." He looked around and lowered his voice. "Now, what you may see may horrify, stun, weird-out, scare, even sicken you, but remember, if you die, Legolas, I get your computer, Gimli, I get your stereo, Merry, I get your collection of Star Trek action figures, and Gandalf, I get your weed. That shit is GOOD!" He clapped his hands together. "Okay. Off we go!" The Fellowship of the butter set out, walking through an open field. Loud LOTR music begins to play in the background.  
  
"CAN YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?" the music stops abruptly. "Thank you."  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
It was night. There's no sound, not even a solitary cricket chirping in the background. The fellowship, having entered the broccoli flatlands, tries to stay close together. They walk, but stop when they see a huge tree looming in the distance. Aragorn shines his flashlight on the tree. Hanging on every branch are stalks of broccoli in the shape of kitties.  
  
"W-What does this mean?" Merry asked, holding Mr. Whiskers.  
  
"I don't know…." said Aragorn, pensively, continuing ahead. A twig snaps behind Merry.  
  
"…Aragorn?" He turns around. Aragorn is gone. He keeps walking. "D- Don't worry Mr. Whiskers, it'll all be ok." Something rustles in the bushes. "Legolas?" Legolas isn't there anymore. He goes on, staring into the darkness. Another twig breaks. "Gimli? Gandalf? Boromir? Sam? Frodo?" Merry realizes that he is alone. He takes out his flashlight and aims it into his face. "I'm-I'm just so scared…. I'm afraid to close my eyes, I'm afraid to open them…. I can FEEL the broccoli…. watching me, waiting to get their green, chloroplast-filled fingers around my neck…..I'm just so sorry…..so sorry………" he looks up to see broccoli in the shape of kitties hanging everywhere. He screams and screams and screams and screams and screams……and runs into a house in front of him. He goes up the stairs hearing voices, yelling  
  
"MERRY!!!!!!!!!! MERRY!!!!!!!!" He goes up more and more stairs, green shapes of broccoli on the walls, and comes to a room filled with nothing but broccoli! BROCCOLI EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!! He yells for help……..and faints.  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
Merry woke up screaming, "THE BLAIR BROCCOLI!!! THE BLAIR BROCCOLI!!!!!!!!!!! ITS GOING TO GET MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Aragorn shook him awake and Merry stared.  
  
"Oh Aunty Emm, Aunty Emm, I had a horrible dream……. We weren't in Kansas anymore…." He looks at everybody and points to them. "And you were there, and you were there and you were there….." Legolas slaps him on the head.  
  
"It WASN'T a dream you idiot, we're NOT in Kansas, AND ARAGORN IS NOT AUNTY EMM."  
  
"Oh. I remember now…..But YOU GUYS ALL DISAPPEARED!! WHERE WERE YOU!!!???" Boromir shrugged.  
  
"We went to McDonald's. "  
  
"'We love to see you smile!" Frodo sang. Yes, Frodo is indeed still unable to shut up. He was singing Bootyliscious this whole time with Sam joining in to say "FRODO can you handle this? I don't think he can handle this!"  
  
"YOU WENT TO MCDONALDS?!" roared Merry.  
  
"Yep. I ordered a quarter pounder with cheese meal, Sam got the chicken nuggets 'big kids' meal, Frodo got the cheeseburger kids meal but first threatened a lawsuit against McDonald's saying that were discriminating against hobbits because they didn't have a mushroom sandwich meal-"  
  
"AND YOU DIDN'T BRING ME BACK SOMETHING?????????!!!!!!!!!!!" Everybody looked guilty. Merry sighed. It seemed like the only one in the Fellowship of the Butter that really cared about him was Mr. Whiskers. Well, and Sam, but not really in a platonic way….he hugged Mr. Whiskers close. He had almost gotten eaten by broccoli, and it had been a long, extremely scary chapter.  
  
  
  
~*Author's Note*~ AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR NOT UPDATING!!!!!!!!!! WE JUST MOVED TO A NEW CITY ( see my bio thingy) AND MY COMPUTER HASN'T BEEN UNPACKED UNTIL LIKE YESTERDAY AND WE DIDN'T HAVE THE INTEERNET UP AND…………..*Sigh* Its been really sucky and I don't really like it where I'm living now and I had to leave behind all my friends and it….just….royally….bites. Oh well. Anyway……….please review. Its really one of the only things keeping me going…..as always, thank you so much for reading my insane stuff. Seriously. I really, really, appreciate it, from the bottom of my sad little heart. THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !! 


	9. Chapter Nine : Mr Chubby Cheeks and the ...

After the horrible experience that Merry and Mr. Whiskers had going through the broccoli flatlands, Merry kept babbling about the horrible killer broccoli, and how they were going to eat him if he didn't get weed killer. Mr. Whiskers couldn't talk, but he had a horrified expression on his stuffed face. The fellowship thought that they might have to put the pair in the mental hospital, Broccoli-Unified-Leading-Laboratory for-Scared- Hobbits-In-Terror, or B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T for short. But, instead, they decided to do something much cheaper. They decided to buy cupcakes. But, they had no money. A big problem.  
  
"WE could just MAKE some cupcakes……." Said Gimli.  
  
"YOU IDIOT, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MAKE THEM OUT OF, GRASS AND MUD?!" yelled Boromir.  
  
"Well, I actually have some baking materials that we coul-"  
  
"SHUT UP SAM!!!" everybody yelled.  
  
"As for the grass part, I've got some REALLY good ones, makes you incredibly high in like-"  
  
"SHUT UP GANDALF!!!" everybody yelled. Suddenly, a very fat hot pink cat walked up to the fellowship.  
  
"Mr. Whiskers," he said in a deep weird voice, "I am your cousins' brothers' sisters' aunts', grandmothers', college room mate's, second cousin twice removed's neighbor in a past life, Mr. Chubby Cheeks." Mr. Whisker's face did not change, as he is stuffed. Mr. Chubby Cheek's paused. "You are probably wondering why I am here."  
  
"Yes yes, we are." Said the fellowship.  
  
"I have been brought here to guide you, and learn you in the ways of the Publix Stealing Squad. "  
  
"THE PUBLIX STEALING SQUAD??" everyone asked.  
  
"Yes. You wanted cupcakes, did you not?"  
  
"Yes…"  
  
"Well, I suppose you could say I am the guardian of cupcakes. The chocolate ones with the pink frosting and the multicolored sprinkles….. how did you think I got my chubby cheeks?" Everyone looked around. "My full name is Mr. Supreme Cupcake Ruler Of All Things Cupcakey and Chocolately and Hot Pinkey and Spinklely, The Ultra Chubby Cheeks of the Honored Publix Stealing Squad." He paused. "And so, that brings us to your cupcake problem. You have no money. So, you must go to Publix, and steal them."  
  
"WHAT?! ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT US TO STEAL CUPCAKES?!" said Aragorn. "I am King Aragorn, I DO NOT steal cupcakes."  
  
"You WILL steal cupcakes, or I will take you to Sauruman's nail manicurist and have your nails filed down to long freaky points and dress you all in white, the most boring color ever." Aragorn shuddered.  
  
"FINE, I suppose I will……..havetostealcupcakes."  
  
"Good then." Said Mr. Chubby Cheeks. He took out a metal cupcake from……somewhere…….and opened up the iceinged top and pressed a hot pink button. A Publix immediately appeared in front of the fellowship. Mr. Chubby Cheeks walked in, followed by everyone else. "Now, we must head to the bakery. The first rule is, act cool." He said, going into the bakery. It was hard to act cool when you are an Elf, two men, a dwarf, four hobbits, a high wizard puffing on a twelve inch pipe, a stuffed cat and another extremely fat hot pink cat. Mr. Chubby Cheeks grabbed two boxes of chocolate cupcakes with *gasp* hot pink frosting and multicolored sprinkles. It was then that they saw a Publix security guard making his way toward the bakery. "QUICK!" yelled Mr. Chubby Cheeks, throwing the boxes at Sam. "DO SOMETHING!" Sam stuffed the cupcakes down his shirt. The security guard walked by, whistling. He stared at Sam's shirt.  
  
"Hey buddy, are you ok?" he asked. Sam nodded, looking for a response.  
  
"Oh yes, yes, I'm, uh, fine." Said Sam, rubbing his now incredibly large belly. "I'm just, uh, pregnant." The security guard stared. Sam slung his arm around Frodo. "He's the father." Frodo stared in horror.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' he screamed, running into aisle 6, the frozen food section. Sam watched him go, as he could not run after him with the cupcakes down his shirt.  
  
"R…i…g…h…t…….." said the guard, backing away slowly. Mr. Chubby Cheeks nodded.  
  
"Good going Sam, you handled that situation VERY well." The rest of the fellowship likewise piled cupcakes down their shirts. They snuck out of the Publix, getting really weird looks from everyone. They all unloaded their cupcakes on the ground and began to eat them, when Sam suddenly screamed,  
  
"OH NO!!!!!!!! WE'VE LEFT MR. FRODO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he said, running back into the Publix. He remembered that Frodo had run into aisle 6, the frozen food section, so he went there first. He saw Frodo curled up in one of the freezers, eating an Eggo Waffle. He opened the door and pulled Frodo out. "No Mr. Frodo, you can't die on me, not after all we've been through!"  
  
"No Sam, I'm fine-"  
  
"I'LL NEVER LET GO MR. FRODO! I'LL NEVER LET GO!"  
  
"Sam, I'm REALLY OK-"  
  
"I can't go on without you Mr. Frodo. HANG ON!!!"  
  
"Sam, I'm really not hurt-" But Sam slung Frodo up over his shoulders and carried him out of the Publix, dumping him on the grass outside by the billions of cupcakes.  
  
"MR FRODO ALMOST DIED!!!!!!!!!!" he yelled. Frodo rolled his eyes.  
  
"Well, my work here is done." Said Mr. Chubby Cheeks, opening his metal cupcake and pushing the hot pink button. The Publix disappeared, and with a wink Mr. Chubby Cheeks did too.  
  
Merry sighed, petting Mr. Whiskers, trying to feed him a cupcake, but, of course, Mr. Whiskers is stuffed. He sniffed, petting his head. He knew he would see Mr. Chubby Cheeks again one day. One Day.  
  
  
  
~*Author's Note*~ Yes, extremely weird, and completely insane. (Which would make sense b/c the story is named Complete Insanity ^_^) My muse Mr. Whiskers has been nice and given me a good chapter. (I hope) I HOPE!! A GIANT, GIANT THANKS TO ALL OF MY FAITHFUL REVIEWERS! You have given me more happiness that you can ever comprehend. PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!! I LIVE FOR THEM, I WORSHIP THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEM ALONE!!!!!!!!! YEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	10. Chapter Ten : Agent Mulder, Britney Spea...

The Fellowship sat around the fire, toasting marshmallows and singing fireside songs. Or, at least, Frodo was.  
  
"MMMMMMMMMMM Bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du Yeeeeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" It was at that point Sam started singing with him, while break dancing. The horrible combination made Gandalf shoot Sam with a dart he had gotten while free climbing Cirith Ungol in his early years. Sam immediately fell over and started drooling, while muttering various phrases about "The X Files" and "The Truth is Out there"  
  
"What did you DO to him?" Aragorn asked with interest, poking Sam with a stick.  
  
"I shot him with a hallucination dart. I've used it myself many times. VERY VERY fun." Gandalf said with a sly smile, taking off Mrs. Leathery The Hat. "Isn't it fun, Mrs. Leathery The Hat?" He asked. Gandalf made Mrs. Leathery The Hat nod. Everyone stared at Sam with a mixture of pity and horror. It was then that Mr. Chubby Cheeks came back in a burst of hot pink light.  
  
"I am back." Mr. Chubby Cheeks announced ominously. Two other balls of hot pink light flew in behind him, and materialized into…. DAVID DUCHOVNY and BRITNEY SPEARS!!!!! Screaming hordes of fangirls immediately launched themselves at David Duchovny, and he screamed and tried to hide behind a drooling Sam. Legolas stood up to try to help David Duchovny, but when the fangirls saw him they immediately launched themselves at Legolas.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Legolas yelled, running into the forest that conveniently appeared in front of him. The fangirls, still screaming, stampeded after him. Meanwhile, all the rest of the guys (excluding Sam) stared at Britney Spears in awe.  
  
"So, umm…..you're not that innocent huh?" said Aragorn with (what he hoped was) a dashing, sexy smile. She rolled her eyes.  
  
"Like, yeah, DUH, I sing that in my song, ok? Whatever." She said, twirling her hair.  
  
"You can be my slave any day." Said Frodo breathlessly. Britney stared at him.  
  
"Uh, yeah, NO, ok? And what is with your super bug-out-y eyes? And you're, like, so SHORT. What did you, like, not eat right as like, y' know, a kid or like, something?" She laughed at her own (completely stupid and pointless and not even funny) joke. Mr. Chubby Cheeks waddled up to them all.  
  
"A sweetheart, isn't she?" he said, purring against her leg. Britney picked him up.  
  
"OOOOOOOOO You're just so CWUTE, and SWEEEET, and FWUZZY, and HWUGGLABLE I CWOULD JWUST EAT YOU ALL UWP!" she said, cuddling Mr. Chubby Cheeks. Mr. Chubby Cheeks shot the Fellowship a look that said, "You see why I like her?" David Duchovny walked up slowly, still freaked from the fangirls.  
  
"Are-are they gone?" he asked, looking around, terrified.  
  
"Ah yes, " said Mr. Chubby Cheeks. "May I present Agent Fox Mulder." The Fellowship was silent.  
  
"OHHHHH… do you mean FROM THE X-FILES?!!" said Merry excitedly. Mr. Chubby Cheeks nodded. "But how did you get him here?"  
  
"I just told him that hot pink cupcakes were really an alien invasion sent here from Mars in the year 1998, and the people of Earth have been ingesting tiny aliens that have slowly been growing inside of them like in that movie "Alien" except slower, and all the aliens will hatch in six years. I told him I'm special F.B.I agent Chubby Cheeks, sent to capture any and every hot pink cupcake in America." He whispered to Merry, whipping out a fake F.B.I I.D. Merry looked at it.  
  
"Mr. Chubby Cheeks, that's a picture of cheese." Mr. Chubby Cheeks looked at it.  
  
"Yes, I do have a startling resemblance to Limburger Cheese don't I?" he said proudly. Merry stared.  
  
"Umm, yeah, Mr. Whiskers? Just go play with nice Mrs. Leathery The Hat for a minute, ok?" Merry said, putting down Mr. Whiskers, who, once again, went nowhere because he is stuffed. Merry didn't seem to notice, though.  
  
"Anyway, I'm sorry to say that Agent Mulder has suffered severe mental problems since I brought him to Middle Earth." Said Mr. Chubby Cheeks sadly.  
  
"Caused from what?" said Aragorn. "Not enough butter?" he asked with a shudder.  
  
"No…unfortunately several fangirl clubs have seen him, and have chased him around. He now has Post-traumatic Fangirl Stress Disorder." Mr. Chubby Cheeks said, motioning toward Mulder, who was huddled in a corner hugging his knees muttering, 'the truth is out there….fangirls are evil aliens….the truth is out there….' Mr. Chubby Cheeks sighed. "The only thing that will keep him quiet is butter." Aragorn got a wild gleam in his eye.  
  
"Butter?" he asked, in a deadly quiet voice. "That dude has….. butter?" Mr. Chubby Cheeks looked at Aragorn.  
  
"No no, Mr. Chubby Cheeks, just say no, say no, you don't know what you're doing-" said Merry quickly.  
  
"Yes, I believe he has about 10 pounds of butter on him right now." Said Mr. Chubby Cheeks. Ignoring Merry was the worst mistake Mr. Chubby Cheeks ever made in his long life as a member of the Publix Stealing Squad. Aragorn got a crazy look.  
  
"Butterbutterbutterbutterbutterbutterbutterbutterbutterbutter butterbutterbutterbutterbutterbutterbutterbutterbutterbutterbutterbutterbutt erbutterbutter!!!BUTTER!!!!!!!!! BUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUUTTEERR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He yelled, throwing himself on top of Mulder.  
  
  
  
~*Meanwhile….*~  
  
  
  
"So yeah, I guess my favorite bikini was the one I got in Hawaii, with the leopard print and the little, like string bottoms!" squealed Britney happily, lost in the memories of her animal print bikini. Boromir, Frodo, Gandalf (who was still puffing on his 12 inch pipe) and Gimli were all watching her, drooling. Britney paused, looking at Gimli.  
  
"Wow, I didn't see you back there." Gimli looked incredibly surprised that she talked to him. And in a nice voice, too. "Hey, you're actually kinda….cute." she said, sitting down next to him. "So, uh, what's your name.?"  
  
"Gimli." Gimli choked out, still incredibly surprised. She giggled.  
  
"Gimli, I like that. So Gimli, where're you from?" she said, braiding his beard.  
  
"Anywhere you want me to be from baby." Answered Gimli.  
  
~*Back with Mr. Chubby Cheeks…*~  
  
  
  
"BUTTERBUTTERBUTTER!!!" said Aragorn happily, gnawing on a Land 'O Lakes stick of butter he had gotten from Mulder. Mulder was in a deep conversation about tiny aliens in hot pink cupcakes with Aragorn, while the only thing Aragorn could ay back was 'butter! YEY!!!' Legolas, gasping, collapsed in the grass next to Britney, finally away from the fangirls. His eyes widened in terror when he saw Britney Spears.  
  
"NOO!!!! NOT ANOTHER ONE!!!!" He screamed, about to run again. It was at that point funny lights were seen in the sky.  
  
"Heeeeeeeeeeey, cool lights dude." Said Gandalf. But he didn't think anything of it. He just thought he was seeing things, because he was incredibly high.  
  
"Look at the lights Mr. Whiskers!" said Merry happily, pointing at the sky. The whole fellowship, Mr. Chubby Cheeks, Mr. Whiskers, Britney Spears, and Mulder all looked up at the lights in the sky. Then, A HUGE U.F.O. CAME OUT OF THE SKY AND HOVERED RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE FELLOWSHIP AND EVERY ONE ELSE!!!! A green beam of light came out of the U.F.O and sucked up Pippin, who was still in his Slim Fast coma!!!  
  
"NOOOOO!!!! PIPPIN!!!!!" Merry yelled. The U.F.O. sucked him into their ship and flew away in a burst of hot pink light. (hot pink light…hmmm…..)  
  
"Nonono, PIPPIN'S GONE!!!!" sobbed Merry and Frodo. Sam was still drooling. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they yelled up to the sky. Then, a mysterious voice came out of the sky as the U.F.O flew back, and Pippin materialized back on the grass where he had been lying.  
  
"THIS ONE HAS TOO MUCH SLIM FAST IN HIM." The voice boomed. "AND HE IS SO SHORT. DIDN'T HE EAT RIGHT AS, LIKE, A KID?!" (hmm, the voice sounds suspiciously like Britney….hmmm….) Then, the U.F.O disappeared for good. Merry stroked Mr. Whiskers silently. It had been the weirdest, most disturbing chapter yet. Mulder looked up at the sky.  
  
"The truth is out there….." he muttered.  
  
  
  
  
  
~*Wow, insane, insane. Mulder. Britney Spears and Aliens that sound like Britney Spears. Scary, scary, scary. I'm sorry it took so long to get this chapter out! The next one shall hopefully come MUCH SOONER!!! YEY!!!!! PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!! A GIANT thanks to all my reviewers! Seriously! ESPECIALLY to Chibi-Cola. Basilisk, and Elendor! YOU GUYS ROCK!!! A GIANT THANKS TO EVERYONE!!!! 


	11. Chapter Eleven : The Triple X Files, Gim...

"Okay people!" said Sam. "A one, a two, a three four five!" The entire fellowship, along with Mulder, Mr. Chubby Cheeks, and Britney Spears burst out in a loud chorus of "I Will Survive!"  
  
"I will survive! Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive!!!! I've got all my life to give, I've got all my love to give, and I'll survive, I wiiiiiiiill suuuuurviiiiveeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they all sang, as Britney pushed herself to the front of the group and ripped off most of her clothing while doing slutty dance moves. The song ended, and Mr. Chubby Cheeks cleared his throat loudly. Britney was still dancing, and the guys were collecting a giant puddle of drool on the floor.  
  
"Uh, Brit, honey, its over now, ok?" he said. She opened her eyes, surprised.  
  
"Oh, well, they should like, stop the music or something, when the song like ends, so I, like, know." She said, crossing her arms. Merry blinked. The music HAD stopped. He pulled Mr. Whiskers aside, trying to talk to Gandalf, who was engrossed in a conversation with Mrs. Leathery The Hat.  
  
"Yes Mrs. Leathery, I know what you're saying. I DO think Aragorn's right eye is bigger than his left." He paused, as if listening to what Mrs. Leathery The Hat was saying. "What? I thought you said it was his RIGHT eye. " He listened again. "Well now you're being just RUDE!" he shouted to the hat. Merry hesitantly tapped on his shoulder.  
  
"Uh.Gandalf?" he asked timidly. Gandalf glared at him.  
  
"Can't you see I'm in the middle of a conversation here!!!!" he said, turning back to Mrs. Leathery The Hat. "No, quite frankly I DON'T AGREE!!" he yelled to Mrs. Leathery The Hat. He threw the hat to the ground. "You're so NEEDY all the time, it's always me, me, ME, and I'm TIRED of it!" he glared at the motionless hat on the ground. "Fine, go run off with Mr. Shiny Reflective Toaster if you want, I guess he'll be able to satisfy you better than I CAN!" Gandalf stalked away, muttering to himself. Merry blinked a couple of times. Mrs. Leathery the Hat was going to run off with Mr. Shiny Reflective Toaster?  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
~*~  
  
"You see Britney, I really honestly think you'd make a good porn star." Said Mulder. Britney just stared at him, obviously at a loss for words, which happened quite often when you have the average IQ of a dancing carrot, like she did. Aragorn glanced at Mr. Chubby Cheeks.  
  
"Mulder seems to know a lot about porno movies. Which is ok, I mean I myself have a collection of them, including classics such as "Free my Willy, "Here comes the Keister Bunny", "Who Let the Strippers Out"-"  
  
"Get to the point Aragorn." Whispered Mr. Chubby Cheeks back to him.  
  
"Anyway, is he" Aragorn lowered his voice even more, "in the business?" Mr. Chubby Cheeks sighed.  
  
"Well, first you have to understand, Mulder is a very depressed and mentally unstable man right now. He is suffering from Post-Traumatic Fangirl Stress Disorder, and now, after meeting Britney, I'm afraid he may also be a victim to PBSTD, or Post Britney Spears Trauma Disorder. But, in answer to your question, the answer is yes."  
  
"You mean, Mulder is..a porn star?"  
  
"Unfortunately, he is. His most famous move is called the over-the- shoulder-Mulder-holder, the viewers love it. After the X-Files went off the air, he is now starring in a porno film called "The Triple X Files" and resorting to illegal drug trafficking just to pay the rent. " Aragorn sighed.  
  
"Heavy stuff. He and Gandalf would get along great."  
  
Back with Gandalf, Merry, Mrs. Leathery The Hat, and possibly the arrival of Mr. Shiny Reflective Toaster...  
  
~*~  
  
Gandalf sat crying in a corner, his head in his hands, sobbing. Legolas came over and sat down next to him to see what was wrong, awkwardly patting his shoulder.  
  
"Umm, there.there, Gandalf, what's bothering you?" Gandalf looked up at him with eyes red with tears, or maybe it was from his pot.  
  
"It's.*sniff* Mrs. Leathery The Hat. We- we were talking about how one of Aragorn's eyes was bigger than the other."  
  
"Oh yeah, the right one?"  
  
"Yeah, and-and we started arguing, and then she..she." his lower lip trembled and he burst into tears again. " SHE SAID SHE WOULD RUN AWAY WITH MR. SHINY REFLECTIVE TOASTER!!" Gandalf continued sobbing, and pointed to Mrs. Leathery The Hat, who was sitting next to a very shiny and reflective toaster. Legolas shook his head.  
  
Back with the rest of the fellowship, Mulder, and Britney..  
  
~*~  
  
"You see, being a porn star is a great career choice. You get flexible hours, plenty of vacation days, and good pay." Mulder was saying to Britney.  
  
"I don't know." Said Britney, twirling her hair.  
  
"Oh c'mon-" started Mulder, but Gimli stood up.  
  
"I think she said NO, pretty boy." He said threateningly. Instantly a hush descended over everyone. Mulder walked over to him.  
  
"Oh yeah? You gonna do something about it?" he pushed Gimli on his shoulder. "You gonna FIGHT me?"  
  
"Yeah, I think I am." Said Gimli, pushing him back. Mulder held out his hands.  
  
"C'mon little man! BRING IT ON!!!" he said, slugging Gimli across the face. Gimli hit him back. Everyone started wildly clapping and cheering, as Gimli and Mulder started to bitch slap each other. Even Mrs. Leathery The Hat and Mr. Shiny Reflective Toaster came to watch. Finally, Mulder tripped on Gimli's knotted floor length beard, and knocked himself out when he hit his head on a rock.  
  
"THE WINNER!!" cried Aragorn, holding up Gimli's hand. Everybody jumped up and down cheering, and Britney ran over to Gimli.  
  
"OOOOO You're, like, MY HERO!!" she said, covering his face with kisses. Then, just like last night, a HUGE UFO POPPED OUT OF THE SKY!!! A green beam came out of it, and in the light five aliens that looked just like Britney Spears materialized.  
  
"CAN YOU LIKE, PLEASE TAKE US TO YOUR, LIKE, LEADER?" the asked in unison.  
  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED..  
  
~*Author's Note*~ OMG, I am so so so sorry for delaying this chapter for so long. FF.net has been crazy, up one day, down the next, the down for a realllly long time. I know we've ALL been fan fiction deprived, and I'm truly really sorry for waiting so long to upload this chapter. And you guys who have reviewed my story, ESPECIALLY the ever-faithful Chibi-Cola, you guys are so awesome. Hey Chibi-Cola, how would you feel about guest- starring in the next chapter of this fic? AND ONCE AGAIN, PLEASE REVIEW!!! I live off them, I shall DIE without them!! Thank you all very much! ^_^ 


	12. Chapter Twelve : Pippin Awakes From The ...

THIS CHAPTER IS IN HONOR OF 8/06/02, THE RELEASE DATE OF THE LOTR DVD. LORD OF THE RINGS A HOLICS, UNITE!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
We last left off when...  
  
Then, just like last night, a HUGE UFO POPPED OUT OF THE SKY!!! A green beam came out of it, and in the light five aliens that looked just like Britney Spears materialized.  
  
"CAN YOU LIKE, PLEASE TAKE US TO YOUR, LIKE, LEADER?" the asked in unison.  
  
The Fellowship stared. And stared. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli all started to drool madly. Finally, Mr. Chubby Cheeks stepped forward, along with Britney Spears.  
  
"Hey," said Britney, "they like look just like me. That is so, like, totally not like, cool. There is only, like, one Britney Spears. And I am so, like, her. Like, duh." She said, crossing her arms. Mulder, who had been unconscious after tripping on Gimli's beard, slowly got up, and saw, with extreme horror, six Britney Spears standing in front of him.  
  
"AHH!!!! NOO!!! BRITNEY!! SHE'S EVERYWHERE!!! EVERYWHERE!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" he said, sprinting away and over the rolling hills that conveniently appeared right in front of him. Merry shook his head, hugging Mr. Whiskers. Poor Mulder, suffering from PBSTD, or Post Britney Spears Trauma Disorder.  
  
"Can you, like, give us something to appease our God, or we will, like, capture that really cute stuffed cat that, like, curly haired short dude is holding, and, like, feed him to our, like, God, Justin Timberlake. And then we will, like, blow up the earth. The like, nuclear bomb is, like, already ticking. You have, like, ten minutes to, like, give us something and we will turn it off." Said all of the alien Britneys together. "MMMM..Justin." they continued dreamily.  
  
"NO! NOT MR. WHISKERS!" said Merry.  
  
"NO! NOT A NUCLEAR BOMB!" said the others.  
  
"Umm, are you girls all called Britney, or do you have different names?" asked Sam timidly.  
  
"Of course-" said Britney #1.  
  
"We-" said Britney #2.  
  
"Have-" said Britney #3.  
  
"Different-" said Britney #4.  
  
"Names." Said Britney #5.  
  
"Umm, what are they?" said Boromir slowly and carefully. As pretty as these chicks were, they didn't look very smart. And anybody who could finish each other's sentences like that was just kind of creepy.  
  
"I'm Chibi - Pepsi." Said, Britney #1.  
  
"I'm Chibi - Sprite." Said Britney #2.  
  
"I'm Chibi - Mountain Dew." Said Britney #3.  
  
"I'm Chibi - Orange." Said Britney #4.  
  
"I'm Chibi - Cola.". Said Britney #5.  
  
"Oh, I get it, you're all named after delicious and bubbly soft drinks!" said Aragorn happily.  
  
"Yes, these are all things that our God Justin Timberlake likes to drink." Said Chibi - Cola.  
  
"MMMMM..Justin." they continued in unison. Everybody blinked. The I- say-everything-at-the-same-time-and-finish-your-sentences-thing was getting eerie.  
  
"Ok everybody, time for a conference." Said Aragorn to the rest of the Fellowship. They all came together in a huddle, including Mr. Shiny Reflective Toaster, Mrs. Leathery The Hat, Mr. Chubby Cheeks, and Britney - the original. "Now, what are we going to do with all these Britney's? And what exactly do they want so they won't blow up middle earth with a nuclear weapon in nine minutes?" Britney - the original twirled her hair.  
  
"Well, it, like, looks like, they, like, want to make, like, Justin Timberlake happy."  
  
"BY TAKING MR. WHISKERS? NOOOOOOO!!!" Merry said, hugging Mr. Whiskers closely.  
  
"Hey, I've got an idea. Legolas, you're really really really ridiculously good looking. They'll listen to you." Said Aragorn. Legolas looked uncomfortable.  
  
"But they're so much like fan girls.." He said with a shudder. Everybody looked at him with puppy eyes. "Ok fine, I'll do it." he warily approached the five Britney clones that all looked at him with the same curious and yet enthralled expressions.  
  
"Wow, you're-" said Chibi-Pepsi.  
  
"Really-" said Chibi-Sprite.  
  
"Really-" said Chibi-Mountain Dew.  
  
"Really-" said Chibi-Orange.  
  
"Ridiculously good looking." Finished Chibi-Cola. Legolas sighed.  
  
"Thank you, but, to be honest, could I just talk to one of you? Your whole talking at the same time thing is kinda creepy." He pulled Chibi- Cola, the Britney clone closest to him, aside. The other four Britney's looked at her jealously and crossed their arms in disgust at the same time.  
  
"Ok, Chibi- Cola? You're really pretty, I know you want to appease your God Justin Timberlake, but we have nothing here that you can appease him with. And you cannot take Mr. Whiskers. Merry will go insane or something. And please don't blow up middle earth. We like it here." Chibi- Cola stared at him.  
  
"Mmmmm..you're so hot." She said dreamily. Legolas blinked and went back over to the Fellowship, Mr. Shiny Reflective Toaster, Mrs. Leathery The Hat, Mr. Chubby Cheeks, and Britney - the original..  
  
"Its not working guys. " he hissed. Aragorn considered.  
  
"I KNOW!!!!!" said Pippin suddenly.  
  
"PIPPIN! YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR SLIM FAST COMA!!!!" yelled everybody, rushing to hug him.  
  
"Yes, you see, I was in a Slim Fast Coma, but I could hear everything that was going on. And I'm really hungry, and I want some mushrooms. But while I was in my Slim Fast Coma, the God of Slim Fast came to me. And said, "Pippin, its not your time. Go back into the world of Slim Fast. It is your destiny to save middle earth.". I didn't know what it meant then, but I do now."  
  
Everybody just stared at Pippin in shock. Pippin took out a can of Slim Fast.  
  
"Its my last can. Its very sacred." He said in a hushed voice, holding up a can of Slim Fast. On the can, it said, WARNING : LAST CAN OF SLIM FAST. IT IS VERY SACRED. ONLY TO BE USED TO SAVE THE WORLD. "We must give this to the Britney clones. They don't have a can opener, and we'll tell them the sacred gift is inside. They'll never be able to open the can because they are too stupid. Then they'll disarm the nuclear weapon and leave."  
  
Everybody just stared at Pippin in shock.  
  
"Legolas, it is up to you to do. They'll listen to you, because you are really really really ridiculously good looking." Pippin said, handing him the can. Legolas walked over to where the Britney clones were playing with each other's hair.  
  
"Umm,.. Chibi-Pepsi, Chibi-Sprite,. Chibi-Mountain Dew., and. Chibi- Orange, we have found a gift worthy to appease your God Justin Timberlake. Here, inside this can, is the sacred gift." Said Legolas, holding out the can. Chibi - Cola took it.  
  
"Thank you, o hot one." She said, batting her eyelashes.  
  
"You guys can, ah, turn off the nuclear bomb now." He said nervously. .  
  
"Yes, Chibi - Pepsi, like, go turn it off." Said Chibi - Mountain Dew, braiding Chibi - Sprite's hair. Chibi - Pepsi went into their spaceship, and yelled,  
  
"I, like, can't. Somebody took, like, the hair scrunchie that was, like, holding it together. I can't, like, do anything. LIKE, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!" she screamed. Chibi - Mountain Dew looked at the scrunchie she had put in Chibi - Sprite's hair. It was red, with a skull and crossbones on it, and said in black letters, WARNING : LIKE, DO NOT, LIKE, PUT THIS IN SOMEONE'S HAIR. IT IS, LIKE, THE NUCLEAR WEAPON TRIGGER.  
  
"Like, oops." Said Chibi - Mountain Dew.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled everyone. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
~*Cheesy Music Plays*~  
  
"Aragorn, " said Boromir, "before we die, I have to tell you something." He sniffed. "I-In chapter two, I hid the butter from you."  
  
"Its ok Boromir. In chapter one, I did have chocolate. I just didn't tell you." He sniffed. "So we're even?"  
  
"Yes." They both burst into tears and hugged each other.  
  
"Merry?" said Pippin. "I-I'm sorry I was so mean to you when I wasn't in my Slim Fast coma in chapter two. I didn't mean it."  
  
"Its ok Pip. I forgive you. I'm just glad you're ok." Merry and Pippin hugged.  
  
"Mrs. Leathery The Hat?" said Gandalf. "I-I'm sorry I acted so mean. I love you." He said, tears streaming down his face. He listened to what Mrs. Leathery The Hat was saying. "OH MRS. LEATHERY!" Gandalf and Mrs. Leathery kissed passionately.  
  
"Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam. "I'm sorry for the pornographic pictures I had of you."  
  
"Its ok Sam." He said, not singing for once, and patting Sam on the shoulder. Sam and Frodo hug.  
  
"Britney?" said Gimli, turning to Britney - the original. "You're really pretty, and really nice, and you've accepted me for what I am, and I love you for that."  
  
"Oh, like, Gimli, I, like, love you too!" Gimli and Britney kiss.  
  
"O hot one, I'm scared." Said Chibi- Cola to Legolas. "I don't want to die alone." She sniffed.  
  
"Me neither. We'll die together then." He said. Chibi - Cola and Legolas embraced and kissed. Merry looked down at Mr. Whiskers.  
  
"Mr. Whiskers, we've been through a lot together. And I love you. You've always been my best friend, other than Pip here." He hugged Mr. Whiskers, tears streaming down his face. "Don't be scared. Mr. Whiskers. "  
  
Suddenly, the ticking of the nuclear bomb stopped. Everybody looked around.  
  
~*Cheesy Music stops too*~  
  
"Hey.what happened?" said Aragorn. Mr. Chubby Cheeks and Mr. Shiny Reflective toaster emerged from the spaceship.  
  
"It was very simple. Mr. Shiny Reflective Toaster and I just re- crossed the wires of the bomb." Mr. Chubby Cheeks said.  
  
"So we're not going to die?" said Boromir.  
  
"Nope." Said Mr. Chubby Cheeks.  
  
"YEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!" everybody shouted, celebrating.  
  
"Well, we, like, better get back, to like, our God." Said Chibi - Pepsi. Chibi- Cola turned to Legolas.  
  
"I'm sorry o hot one. But I, like, must go. We shall see each, like, other again." Legolas sniffed, and they kissed. Then, with one last look of goodbye, she and the rest of the Britney clones went back into their spaceship with the Sacred Can of Slim Fast, and in a burst of green light, was gone. Everybody cheered, hugged, and laughed. The world wasn't going to be blown up!  
  
Merry looked down with a grin at Mr. Whiskers. It was definitely the strangest, more horrifying, longest and most action filled chapter yet.  
  
Middle Earth was finally safe from the Britney clones!  
  
~*Author's Note*~ This is kind of a milestone chapter, because this is my longest Complete Insanity Chapter Yet! I've also never written a story over 11 chapters, so this my longest story to date! Also, I've never gotten this many reviews, and I'm really really hoping my wonderful reviewers will get it over 100! Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease review and make it 100 reviews! Its my dream since coming on fanfiction.net. I love all of my reviewers so much, thank you all, really. I'll review the story of everyone that reviews me for this chapter! I especially would like to thank the lovely Chibi-Cola, who starred at Britney Clone #5. You've been so great! I can't wait to watch LOTR again!  
  
~*Celeny 


	13. Chapter Thirteen : Pokemon, 'Bring It On...

First and most definitely foremost, I would love to thank all of my wonderful, wonderful reviewers. I never thought I would get this far on fanfiction.net. I am such a lucky author to have people that like and review my story! Some of you have reviewed my story multiple times! (Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you) If I didn't review your story as promised, and you were really really nice and made me indescribably happy by reviewing chapter twelve, I am so sorry. Just tell me, and I will be happy to do so!!! I would love to thank all of my wonderful reviewers of chapter twelve personally (in order of most recent to the first reviewers) :  
  
The beloved Calaquendi - I, too, am unloved. = ( I am so glad you see that having problems is not bad!! Its not!! Now if only the people in my head would agree with me..hehe, I'm just kidding. Thank you for reviewing me!!!!!! It makes my day!!!! ^_^  
  
Fangirl8 - I AM SO HAPPY YOU THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY!!!!!!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it when such nice people, like you, review!!!!!!!! Spread the LOTR LOVE!!!  
  
BuckleBerryMerry - You really thought it was awesome???!!!! YOU'RE SO COOL!!!!! YEY!!!! THANK YOU!!!! YOU'RE AWESOME TOO!!!!  
  
Muffy - You reviewed me MULTIPLE TIMES!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! AND YOUR NOOOOO!!!! PLEASE NOOOOOO!!!! STORY!!! IT IS HILARIOUS!!!!!! WRITE MORE!!!!! NOW!!!!  
  
Castreen Dragonsword - You have also reviewed me more than once!!!! THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!!!!! I am so glad you liked it!!!!!!!! YEY!!!!  
  
Reanna and millie - I'm so glad you thought it was funny! I hope you think this chapter is ok, too! Its so nice of you to review! = )  
  
e - L - L- e - I'm glad you like Frodo's singing! AND THE BUTTER!!!! Thank you! You've brightened up my day!  
  
Eibnor _n - Thank you for reviewing! I, too, know what its like to not have access to a computer! Go read more fanfics! Godspeed!  
  
Narn - You've never laughed harder in your life?! OMG!!!! I'M SO FLATTERED!!!!!!! *grins gigantically* THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *gives Narn a big Legolas poster*  
  
Margarita - Wow, that was A LOT of reviews that you left! I think your computer messed up, but THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!! YOU'RE COOL!!!!  
  
Tigrin - THANK YOU!!!! I'm glad you think its not tacky! I was worried it was! YEY!!! ITS NOT!!! THANKS FOR REVIEWING!!!!!  
  
And last, but most certainly not least :  
  
Chibi - Cola - THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!!!!! YOU ARE, UNDOUBTEDLY, THE NICEST PERSON ON FANFICTION.NET!!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
You guys are THE GREATEST!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I feel so guilty for having not uploaded in, like, two months! I am so sorry. I had no idea what to write! My sister (who is eight) avidly watches reruns of the show 'Pokemon' every afternoon. I was inspired by the funny looking creatures, and had her (who is a freaky Pokemon expert) teach me the ways of Pokemon so I could put it in my story.  
  
If you have never seen the show 'Pokemon':  
  
I changed the lyrics to the theme song and put them in the story. If you don't know the tune, go to http://www.geocities.com/richiesitez/richiesite/Pokemusic/fullversion.mid for the midi version.  
  
If you have never seen Pikachu, which is also in here, go to http://www.stworki.pl/gfx_postacie/pikachu.gif for a picture.  
  
If you have never seen a Jigglypuff Pokemon, which Sam dances with, go to http://members.aol.com/bedlamitey/jigglypuff.jpg for a picture.  
  
If you have never seen Ash's clothes that he wears in Pokemon, go to http://www.comic21.com/jpn_manga/pokemon/ash.jpg for a picture.  
  
And without any further author's notes, here is the thirteenth chapter of the story 'Complete Insanity'!!!!  
  
Chapter Thirteen : Pokemon, 'Bring it On', and Sam acting really wrong!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
And so, everyone was happy. Gandalf sat puffing on his twelve inch pipe, getting as high as he could, humming a song. Mr. Chubby Cheeks, Britney - the original, Agent Mulder, and Mr. Shiny Reflective Toaster, who had decided to become a member of the Publix Stealing Squad, were all preparing to leave.  
  
"BYE!!!!" The Fellowship yelled, as the group was about the board their hot pink private jet in the shape of a cupcake. Mr. Chubby Cheeks looked back.  
  
"Before we go, I wanted to leave you this." He threw a red and white ball down on the grass. The Fellowship stared at it curiously, and the jet took off with a roar.  
  
"What did Mr. Chubby Cheeks leave us?" asked Boromir, poking it with a stick. Suddenly, it burst open with a giant flash of light, and out popped an adorable yellow mouse-looking thing with a multi colored sparkling tie covered with musical notes and a matching party hat on its head.  
  
"AHHH!!!!!!" screamed everyone.  
  
"ITS EVIL!!!" Legolas yelled.  
  
"ITS PIKACHU!!!!!" shouted Sam.  
  
"SAME THING!" said Gimli.  
  
"PIKACHU!!" said Pikachu.  
  
"Wait, this Pikachu doesn't look like the same Pikachu that's on Pokemon." Said Gandalf, squinting at it. "Let me check my Pokemon trainer's handbook." Gandalf got out a little red electronic device and pressed some buttons on it. It beeped, and Gandalf gasped.  
  
"OH MY GOD!!! IT'S A MUSICAL PIKACHU!!! I'VE GOT TO CATCH IT!!" He turned Mrs. Leathery The Hat backwards as a swirling blue light gathered behind him. "POKEBALL!!! GO!!" He got out another red and white ball, and tossed it at the Musical Pikachu.  
  
"Gandalf! No! Don't you remember that in episode #345 of the Pokemon series, when Ash tries to catch a musical Pokemon, it makes them all sing and dance?" But it was too late. The Musical Pikachu disappeared into the ball. The ball wiggled back and forth, and then the Musical Pikachu burst out of it again! It glared at Gandalf.  
  
"Uh oh." The Fellowship said in unison.  
  
"PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the Musical Pikachu.  
  
Silence. Then :  
  
Pokemon! (Set to the tune of the Pokemon Theme Song)  
  
*An electric guitar and drum start out of no where. The Fellowship is now wearing identical clothes like Ash in Pokemon. All of the lights go out as Pokemon backup dancers pose behind the Fellowship and the spotlight focuses on the group. *  
  
Gandalf : We have a ring, an evil ring. Made by Sauronnnnn We must destroy it, it is our quest, but we act really wrong!  
  
Boromir : Sam has porn of Frodo, and Merry a stuffed cat Pippin was in a Slim fast coma, Gandalf loves a hat!  
  
*The Fellowship starts to dance the chorus with the Pokemon backup dancers as Legolas takes a microphone and slides to the front on his knees*  
  
Legolas: Pokemon! A musical Pikachu that's mean! We're singing like Avril Lavigne! Pokemon! Britney clones almost blew up Middle Earth This couldn't get any worse!  
  
Frodo : Pokemon! We made a movie drinking weed coffee And ran away from broccoli Agent Mulder from the X - Files, too! Pooookkkeeeemmmooonnnnn!!!!  
  
*Sam, wearing a pink feather boa, is dirty dancing with a Jigglypuff Pokemon as strobe lights flash wildly over them*  
  
Sam : Legolas acts like Dr. Phil on that Oprah show Gimli's girlfriend was Britney, who had evil clones!  
  
*Merry is holding Mr. Whiskers, who also has a Pokemon trainer's outfit on*  
  
Merry : Aragorn loves butter, Frodo sings, and Boromir is just there Legolas took off his pants to prove he wasn't a girl!  
  
Pippin : Pokemon! This story is completely insane It warps the Fellowship's brains! Pokemon!  
  
*Aragorn is wearing a peace sign made of butter on a chain made of Land 'O Lakes butter wrappers, and on his Pokemon trainer's hat it says : "Butter : The Other Other Other White Meat"*  
  
Aragorn : Sam wishes Frodo was his toy Gimli called Mulder 'pretty boy!' Pokemon!  
  
Gimli : We did a remake of the Matrix, too Sam wanted to be Satine from Moulin Rouge! This chapter is finally new! Pooookkkkeeeemmmoonnnnnnn!!!!  
  
*Everybody poses for the last part of the song, Sam still booty dancing close to the Jigglypuff Pokemon, as the multicolored lights swing around and glitter falls from the ceiling*  
  
Everyone : POKEMON!  
  
*Everyone stares at each other, surprised by the sudden musical number.*  
  
"Ok, how can we stop the evil yet sinisterly cute yellow rat thingy?" asked Aragorn, puzzled, eating some butter to calm down.  
  
"I KNOW!!!!!" Gimli shouted. "In episode #345 of the Pokemon series, when Ash tries to catch a musical Pokemon, and it makes them all sing and dance, Ash starts to cheerlead at the competition against the other school who they stole their moves from-"  
  
"No, that's 'Bring It On'. I LOVE THAT MOVIE!!!!" Sam said, scampering off behind a grove of trees that just happened to appear right in front of him, and holding what looked suspiciously like a duffel bag a cheerleader would use. He returned a minute later, wearing a red and black cheerleader uniform and a red bow in his hair.  
  
"I'M SEXY, I'M CUTE, I'M POPULAR TO BOOT!!!" he said, shaking his pom poms. "I'M BITCHIN, GREAT HAIR, THE BOYS ALL LOVE TO STARE!!" He winked at Frodo, who was scared out of singing "Skater Boy" and ran away.  
  
"I'M WANTED, I'M HOT, I'M - NO WAIT!!! MR. FRODO!!! DON'T YOU LIKE CHEERLEADERS." called Sam sadly after him. But it was too late. Sam sighed.  
  
"Wait Sam!" said Aragorn excitedly. Your stylin' moves from 'Bring it On' gave me a wonderful idea of how to defeat the Musical Pikachu!!"  
  
*Ten Minutes Later*  
  
*The Fellowship, including Mr. Whiskers, are all dressed up in red, black and white cheerleader outfits. The Musical Pikachu is sitting in front of them. Legolas, with two red bows in his hair, looks down unhappily at his pom poms.*  
  
"Do I have to do this?" he whined sadly. Sam scowled at him.  
  
"Yes Legolas. This isn't a democracy, it's a CHEEROCRACY! Besides, you've got the best part! OK EVERYONE!!! GET IN YOUR PLACES!!!!"  
  
The Fellowship lined up in two rows. Pounding music started out of nowhere.  
  
"WHO AM I? JUST GUESS!!!! BOYS WANT TO TOUCH MY CHEST!!!" Yelled out Gandalf, shaking his pom poms and winking.  
  
"I'M ROCKIN', I SMILE, AND MANY THINK I'M VILE!!!" Said Boromir with a gigantic grin, bouncing up and down.  
  
"WE CHEER! WE LEAD!! WE LOOK LIKE WE'RE ON SPEED!!!" Pippin said, kicking his leg up. Legolas groaned. Sam glared at him.  
  
"Cheerocracy." Sam mouthed warningly.  
  
"I GOT IT, I JUMP, YOU CAN LOOK BUT DON'T YOU HUMP!!" Legolas said half heartedly.  
  
The Musical Pikachu stared at Legolas. Little red hearts appeared all around its head.  
  
"Pikachuuuuu..." it purred to him.  
  
"No no now, stay away.." Legolas said, backing away.  
  
"Pikaaaaachuuuuuuu.." It said, wagging its tail.  
  
"NO!! I SAID 'DON'T YOU HUMP'!!! DON'T!! DON'T!!" Legolas looked for anything on the ground to ward off the love struck Musical Pikachu. His hand closed around the Pokeball Gandalf had thrown earlier in the chapter.  
  
"POKEBALL!! GO!!!!" he yelled. He threw it all the Pikachu. The Pokemon disappeared inside the Pokeball.  
  
"YEY!! YOU CAUGHT IT!!!" The Fellowship yelled. Sam started to do a 'Go Legolas' cheer.  
  
"WE DEFEATED THE MUSICAL PIKACHU!!!!!"  
  
Merry hugged Mr. Whiskers, who was in a mini cheerleader uniform. He was glad that the Musical Pikachu had been caught. He looked up at the sky, wondering about the meaning of life. And then a certainty came to him : Pokemon are scary. Yes. They. Are.  
  
Author's Note #2- the last one, I promise : PLEASE REVIEW!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaassssssseeeeeeeee I get so happy! PLEASE!!!! 


	14. Chapter Fourteen : Backstreet Boys, Anna...

*Author's Notes* Wow...I am just..Wow. YEY!!!!!!!!!! OMG I AM SO HAPPY TO HAVE GOTTEN ALL OF THESE WONDERFUL REVIEWS!!!!!!!! I would like to thank all of the wonderful people who reviewed the last chapter, in order from the most recent to the very first :  
  
James Blonde : I am so flattered to have been described as a genius!!!!!!! = ) Thank you! I couldn't put your song idea in on THIS chapter (I'm so sorry!), but I would love to in the next one! Thank you so much!!  
  
BuckleBerryMerry : OOOOOOOOO This story is the best one you've seen?! OMG I was SO HAPPY to read that in your review, I got a smile that took up my whole face! I'm glad I made you laugh, I was afraid no one would like the last chapter. Thanks a lot for all of your reviews, they make me SO HAPPY!  
  
Biblehermione : No, don't die! But I'm glad you thought it was that funny! And THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR PUTTING ME IN YOUR FAVORITES!!!!!!!!!!! YEY!!!!!!  
  
Catreen Dragonsword : Thank you for all of your reviews! They mean so much!!! We WILL get to see the fair pea-headed elves (Yes, I PROMISE!!) I'm just not exactly sure..when. = ( But don't be mad! I've actually never seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail..Is it funny? Should I check it out? Any ideas about upcoming chapters are welcome! Thanks a lot!  
  
The random person that has no name : Yeah, a lot of people collected the Pokemon trading stickers, its nothing to be ashamed of! I'm so happy you thought it was funny, and I hope you think this chapter is as good. Thanks a lot for reviewing, even with no name! lol  
  
Fuschia Queen : OOOOOO YOU THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING TO READ!!!!!! *basks in a glow of review happiness* Yes, it is terribly random, but hopefully it's still good. Thank you for reviewing!  
  
Vesha : OOOO YEY YOU THINK IT'S HILARIOUS!!!!!!! HOORAY!!! *does a happy dance* Yep, Sam IS a little poor I suppose, and I kept writing (as you can see, lol) Thanks for reviewing, and I hope you think this chapter is just as good!  
  
Chibi - Cola : Ah, my most wonderful and faithful reviewer!!!! My computer gets totally screwed up a lot too..how on EARTH did you review without the pop-up window?? I bow down to you!!!!! Yes, I am very weird, be AFRAID MWAHA!! *whimpers* I am sorry I didn't update quickly..don't be mad!!! Pleasepleaseplease??? OoOoOoOo Mr. Whiskers started to remind ME of Meowth TOO!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL Thank you SO MUCH!!!!!!  
  
LadyEowyn622 : Oh no, thank YOU for all the reviews you gave ME!!! High AGAIN? OOO you NAUGHTY GIRL! LOL I shall try to put you in my story, I'm SO SORRY I couldn't in this chapter. I hope you like this chapter as much as the others!  
  
Eibbor N : OO I KNOW, I can't LIVE without access to my computer! I'm SO HAPPY you liked this chapter as much as the others! I was super scared people wouldn't. I'm glad you think the story is good. Yes, be careful of the Pokemon! I've heard stories where they eat people..*shudders*  
  
Black cat : OOOO you thought it was funny. Hooray! Ack, I'm so sorry I didn't update sooner.. I will try my best this time, really I will!  
  
Imania : Oh yes, if you like butter, this chapter has lots of butter in it! ^_^ Mmhmm, it IS completely insane, but I don't think I could write anything else! Thanks a lot for stopping by and reviewing!  
  
Calley : Possibly one of the funniest things you have ever read?! HOORAY!!!!! I'm happy you liked the addition of the Pokemon. No, Mr. Whiskers did not recover from being sick yet, and the Fellowship is STILL searching for the Secret butter springs. They will meet the fair pea-headed elves soon, I promise! Oh, I TRIED to update soon, but somehow I always forget.. = (  
  
Elvenbane : Oh yes I DO love reviews so thank you for reviewing!!! I love chocolate too, but (and this may come as somewhat of a surprise) I don't care for butter as much as Aragorn does in the story..I do like it though, especially garlic herb butter!  
  
Bren : OOOOOOh you thought it was AWESOME?! YOU'RE AWESOME!!! Oh, YOU LIKE MOULIN ROUGE TOO?!?!?! YEY!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, I'm so happy you liked the Love Medley!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEY YOU THINK MY STORY ROX!!!!! NO, IT IS YOU WHO ROX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Salogellum : Oh, I'm glad you loved it and thought it was funny! Hmm, you thought Mr. Whiskers was a bit overused..yeah, I think I agree. There's less of him in this chapter. Looking forward to chapter two? I'm already on chapter 14, silly! LOL  
  
Elves : Oh, I'm happy you think that its good and I agree that it IS kind of retarded. Actually, I did recently write another story. It's called 'The Perfect MarySue in 5 Easy Steps'. Check it out if you want! I've been told, though, that I forgot some things, so I'm currently working on a chapter 2 to tie up some loose ends.  
  
Woah, that took up almost 2 pages! But it's COMPLETELY worth it because I love the people that review so much! PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE keep it up!!!!!!!! Bye now!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 14 : Backstreet Boys, Annakin, and Gollum as his Fourth Cousin Twice Removed???  
  
After the defeat of the Musical Pikachu, the Fellowship felt like a little celebration. They were going to have a rap-off. Gandalf took out his giant ghetto boombox and set the volume on his highest setting, thanking Mrs. Leathery the Hat for his early Christmas present. The speakers started to pulse with a light beat. Sam, wearing a gray hood, standing out on a poorly lit street that somehow appeared in front of him, in front of an electric sign that said '8 Hobbit', got out in front of the Fellowship and started to rap while trying to look sexily dramatic.  
  
"Look..if you had...one shot..one opportunity...to seize everything you ever wanted..one moment...would you capture it...or just let it slip?"  
  
The beat turned harder and more desperate as he continued. Sam started to do horrible gangsta hand movements along with the music.  
  
"Lose yourself in the music the moment you own it/ You better never let it go/ You only get one shot/ Do not lose your chance to blow/ This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo."  
  
The Fellowship cheered. Aragorn stood up and yelled "RESPECT!" Pippin clapped and screamed,  
  
"Oh yeah! Go Sam! Break it down now! Break it down now!"  
  
Suddenly, a HUGE LIGHT CAME OUT OF THE SKY!!!!! It was a giant starship, that crash landed into the '8 Hobbit' sign!!! The Fellowship ducked for cover. Merry held Mr. Whiskers. Gandalf shielded Mrs. Leathery the Hat. Sam leapt in front of Frodo. The door opened with a hiss. OUT STEPPED ANNAKIN SKYWALKER AND GOLLUM!!!!  
  
"ANNAKIN!!! HE IS SOOOOO HOT!!!!" said Sam, half-naked Hayden Christiansen posters falling out from his pack as he ran up to Annakin and attempted to fly into his arms.  
  
"I am Annakin Skywalker, soon to be the Sith Lord Darth Vader but I'm technically not supposed to know or tell you that, ha ha."  
  
"OoOoOoOoOoOo he's even hotter than NICK CARTER!!!" said Sam. "I am your BIGGEST fan! Would you like me to dress up as Padme from Star Wars II Attack of the Clones? I ordered the costume off E-Bay last week!"  
  
"Wait, did you say NICK CARTER?!" said Annakin. "I LOVE NICK CARTER!!! I tried to persuade Obi-Wan to buy his new C.D. but he said he liked Britney Spears better." The whole Fellowship shuddered at the memory of Britney Spears.  
  
"GET OUT GIRLFRIEND!!! I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE 'I LOVE NICK CARTER' FAN CLUB!!!!"  
  
"NA UH GIRLFRIEND!!!"  
  
"YEAH HUH GIRLFRIEND!!!"  
  
"Umm, sorry to interrupt, but why exactly is Gollum here?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Oh, Gollum is my fourth cousin twice removed. Some people say the family resemblance is shocking!" Said Annakin off handedly. Everyone stared. "He loves Harry Potter, don't you Gollum?"  
  
"Gollum." Said Gollum, clutching a paperback copy of 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets'. "Harry Potter preciousssssssss yesssssssssss more preciousssssssss than precioussssssssssssss fishesssssssssssssss yesssssssssssss precioussssssssssssssssss Gollum."  
  
"I can't believe you like Nick Carter from the BACKSTREET BOYS." Said Gandalf, stroking Mrs. Leathery the Hat. "Everyone knows *NSYNC is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better."  
  
"Ohmygodohnoyoudidn't." breathed out Sam and Annakin at the same time.  
  
"Oh yes I did honey. You BETTA believe it." Said Gandalf. Merry shuddered, hugging Mr. Whiskers close. Gandalf was REALLY starting to freak him out.  
  
"That's it. C'mon Backstreet Boys, over on THIS side!" said Annakin, snapping his fingers and pointing behind him.  
  
"*NSYNC people, come join us over here!" yelled Gandalf. Legolas, Aragorn, Merry with Mr. Whiskers, and Boromir joined Gandalf on the *NSYNC side, while Pippin, Frodo, and Gimli joined Sam and Annakin on the Backstreet Boys side.  
  
"It looks like we have a battle of the boy bands!" said Annakin. "Alright, old school rules. You pick one person to represent your musical group. The two chosen people are gonna have to busta move and shake some boo-tay. May the best boy band win." The *NSYNC and Backstreet Boys groups both huddled together whispering frantically to each other. Finally they both nodded and faced each other.  
  
"Alright sissy Backstreet Boys..boys, who'd you pick?" said Gandalf.  
  
"Me!" said Annakin. The Backstreet Boys group snickered and high- fived. "Who's gonna sing for you?"  
  
"I am!" said Aragorn.  
  
"Well ok. Let's get this party started!" He cleared his throat. "Music!" Silence. Suddenly, Annakin's cell phone rang. He picked it up. Music suddenly blared out of Gandalf's ghetto boombox.  
  
"Listen baby I'm sorry/ I just wanna tell you don't worry/ I will be late don't stay up/ And wait for me/ Say again...you're dropping out...my battery is low/ Just so you know, we're going to a place nearby/ Gotta go!"  
  
Annakin smirked. 'The Call' from the last Backstreet Boys album would be hard to top. The *NSYNC group started whispering frantically. Aragorn nodded. Funky-sounding music started up.  
  
"You told me you loved me, why did you leave me all alone?" he sang mournfully. "Now you tell me you need me, when you call me, on the phone." He glared at a Nokia cell phone he held in his hand. "Girl I refuse, you must have me confused with some other guy." He crushed the phone beneath his large boot and walked up to Annakin. "Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn," he poked Annakin in the chest and leaned into his face, "to cry."  
  
"Oh! Oh! 'Cry Me a River' by Justin Timberlake!! That was Dirrrrrrrty Aragorn!!!" said Pippin. Annakin scowled as the Darth Vader Star Wars theme song started to play in the background and his eyes went all freaky. How dare Aragorn beat him in a battle of the boy bands????!!!!! He whipped out his light saber.  
  
"MWAHAHAHA!!!! PREPARE TO FEEL THE WRATH OF A PISSED OFF JEDI KNIGHT!!!!!" Aragorn panicked.  
  
"HERE! ARAGORN!" yelled Boromir, tossing him a butter knife and a large tub of butter.  
  
Annakin and Aragorn started to fight, Annakin with his light saber and Aragorn with his butter knife. Annakin was winning, when suddenly Aragorn had an idea. He pulled off the top of the tub of butter and grabbed a large glob. HE THREW THE GLOB OF BUTTER AT ANNAKIN'S FACE!  
  
"Agh!!!!!!!!! Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Annakin screamed, falling backward. He tried to wipe it off, but it was rotten four month old butter and it had congealed together like a mask. Gollum, Annakin's fourth cousin twice removed, ran to help him up. Gollum got butter on his Harry Potter book, and turned to the Fellowship murderously.  
  
"Oh yesssssssssssssssss prescioussssssssssssss we will be back, yesssssssssss yessssssssss we will, butter on preciousssssssssss Harry Potter....." Gollum hissed angrily as he and Annakin went into their starship.  
  
"I WILL DEFEND THE BACKSTREET BOYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss......" The Fellowship heard Annakin yell as the ship disappeared into the night. Merry tightened his hold on Mr. Whiskers. It had been scary. And disturbing. What would happen next? 


	15. Chapter Fifteen : The Fair Pea Headed El...

*Author's Note* Such wonderful, wonderful reviewers I have! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I am so happy that you like the story and have stayed with it so long! I am just SO LUCKY TO HAVE REVIEWERS LIKE YOU!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! = ) Personal thanks to all of the reviewers of the last chapter, from the most recent to the very first :  
  
  
  
Elendor : Oh, thank for all those great comments about me and my story!!! HOORAY!!! *does a happy dance * I hope your home life gets better! Mine isn't that great either. = ( A comic GENIUS?! That is so NICE!!! When I read that, I almost PASSED OUT from happiness! I am just so OVERWHELMED by your wonderful comments! You are SUCH a nice, wonderful person!!! Thank you SO MUCH for adding me to your favorites, you ROCK! Thanks again for all of your support!!!  
  
Firestorm : You choked on POWERADE?!!! LOLOL OMG I am SO SORRY to hear that! I'm glad you're feeling better though! = ) Even though you almost died, you still like my story. One of the best compliments I could ever receive, LOL.  
  
Catreen Dragonsword : I'm glad you love it and are still reviewing! Your reviews mean so much! I'm glad this story cheers you up! I hope you like this chapter!!!! I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope!!!!!  
  
The evil witch queen : Yes, it is quite scarily insane, isn't it? *looks around proudly* OOOOO I'm so happy you love it!!!! I LOVE YOU FOR REVIEWING!!!  
  
James Blonde : OOO IT'S THE FUNNIEST THING YOU'VE EVER READ?! *passes out from the happiness of it all* If you live for this story, I LIVE FOR YOUR REVIEWS!!!! YEY!!! THANK YOU!!!!!  
  
Eibbor N : Happy Holidays to you, too! I'm so glad you love it!!! Thank you for continuing to REVIEW!!!!!! YEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Black cat : YEY YOU THINK ITS FUNNY!!! HOORAY!!!! I updated as fast as I could!!! I hope you like this chapter as much as the last one!!!!  
  
Mirkwood Princess Melnoleiel : OOOOO ALL THE NICE THINGS YOU SAID!!!! I AM SOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!! I'm glad you like it, I was scared nobody would!!! I wrote more, I hope you like it!!!!! Ack! Evil butt munches that haven't EVEN WATCHED THE MOVIE!!! *passes out*  
  
Cassiopeia : Oh, I'm glad you like Aragorn's butter obsession. When I was writing this story I tried to think of the silliest thing he could be addicted to, and butter immediately came to mind! There's LOTS more of it in this chapter, so I hope you like it!!! ^_^  
  
Jedi-hobbit : OOO yey you love it and think its funny! I hope you like this one as much!!! No star wars but...pea headed elves that are really freaky and SEEM like they could be in a Star Wars movie..I think! = )  
  
Reanna : Yes, it has, alas, been ages since I had last updated. But I'm TRYING to get better. It was only 18 days this time!!! Ok, that still sucks but I'm trying!!! = ) I hope you think this one was worth the wait too!!!!!!!  
  
Chibi - Cola : Yes, I completely agree..it WAS one of the most disturbing chapters yet! Wait..read this one..it may be even MORE disturbing MWAHAHA!!! I TRIED to update soon, I really did! I love Leggy and Annakin too! = ) WE ARE THE WEIRD FANGIRLS!!!  
  
Draco Fluff : I'm glad you love this story and think its great!!!! Yep, I read ALL of your stories, and they were really good, too! Keep it up!!! I hope you like this chapter of mine!!!  
  
Ryouluver4evr : Yep, very very weird. OOO I know, Leggy IS a poor thing! But oh well. It's for a good cause!!! = )  
  
  
  
I HOPE EVERYONE HAD A GREAT HOLIDAY SEASON AND HAS A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!  
  
  
  
Chapter Fifteen : The Fair Pea Headed Elves, Uruk-Carrots, And Aragorn Loves Butter Too Much!  
  
After the Fellowship's strange encounter with Annakin and Gollum, they decided to continue to the realm of the fair Pea Headed Elves. Aragorn was suffering from severe withdrawal symptoms. Everyone he saw looked like large tubs of Land O' Lakes brand butter.  
  
"Butter...ah, sweet, sweet, butter...salted or unsalted...oh pleaseeeeee pleaseeeee...butter...." His eyes widened as they focused on Legolas. Legolas' blonde hair must have reminded him of light, fat-free butter, because he started to drool.  
  
"Legolas...come here Legolas...Legolaaaassss, hehehehe..I don't want to hurt you..." He said with a dangerous chuckle and a wild gleam in his eye.  
  
"Ummm...Aragorn? Are you o.k., because you're kind of freaking me o- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Aragorn pounced on Legolas and started to try to eat his hair.  
  
"Butter butter YES! Butterbutterbutter..." He mumbled crazily, gnawing on Legolas' hair.  
  
"SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!" Legolas screamed. Gandalf grabbed Aragorn, but Aragorn, lost in a world of butter, tried to lick his staff.  
  
"GET SOME ROPE!!! WE HAVE TO TIE HIM UP BEFORE HE EATS ONE OF THE HOBBITS!!"  
  
**  
  
So Aragorn, tied up, still muttered 'butterbutter' to himself as the Fellowship went through the woods. Gandalf looked at the map and giggled.  
  
"Oops, wrong map, hehe." He said as he hastily put the 'Playwitch' back in his pocket. "Now...it seems we are almost there.."  
  
"Hey look Mr. Whiskers. There's a giant pea!"  
  
"Merry, have you been smoking some of Gandalf's pot?" Boromir asked suspiciously.  
  
"Wait, I think I see a giant pea too...." Said Sam. Frodo started to sing 'There's a pea in the road' to the tune of 'I could have danced all night' from My Fair Lady.  
  
"There's a peaaaaaaa in the roadddddd, yes there's a peaaaaaaaa in the roadddddd, that is verryyyy round and greeeeeeeeennnnnnnn....."  
  
"IT IS A GIANT PEA!" said Gandalf. He and the Fellowship ran over to it. But it was not just a pea, IT WAS A PEA HEADED ELF! The elf had a normal, lithe looking body dressed in mossy green, but the head....the head was giant, and very green, and very much like a pea. Which would explain the name 'pea headed elf'. The elf had fallen and couldn't get up because of the weight of his head. It rolled over and started at the fellowship with green, pea-looking eyes.  
  
"You must.pea..help me..pea..please...the uruk-carrots came..pea..they turned..pea..our fortress of..pea..Minas Pea into..pea..a..." Here the pea headed elf choked. "Please..pea..go to...pea..Minas Pea, you must..pea...must save...pea..itttttttttt......." The pea headed elf passed out from too much blood rushing to its pea colored head.  
  
"It said the uruk-carrots came, and turned their fortress of Minas Pea into something." Said Gandalf, who was smoking a joint made of peas.  
  
"We must go and help them, don't you think Mr. Whiskers?" asked Merry.  
  
"We will not abandon the pea headed elves to death and torment. LETS HUNT SOME PEAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Aragorn said, coming out of his schizophrenic butter world. Or so the fellowship thought...  
  
*scary music plays*  
  
** They continued on through the woods with leaves colored the same green as peas, when they heard voices up ahead. They ducked behind a tree and looked ahead at a sight stranger than even the pea headed elf.  
  
The creatures looked like normal uruk-hai from the neck down, but their heads were giant and orange, and in the shape of carrots.  
  
"Oi!" said an uruk-carrot to the head uruk-carrot. "We've had nothing to eat for three days! I need food!"  
  
"Wait. We need to join the rest of the uruk-carrots at Minas Pea." Said the head uruk-carrot.  
  
"I'm hungryyyyyyyy.." Whined the other uruk-carrot. It pounced on the head uruk-carrot and tried to eat the uruk-carrots carrot-like head.  
  
"Quickly," Gandalf said. "Let's go while the uruk-carrots try to eat the other uruk-carrot's carrot-like head!"  
  
The fellowship snuck by the uruk-carrots. It was a few minutes later that they saw it. Minas Pea. But it had been transformed into a SLEAZY CARROT JUICE BAR!!!!!! They slunk up to a pea headed elf in chains that was standing by the door letting people in. Aragorn waved a stick of butter in front of his face.  
  
"Tell us what's going on here, and I'll give you the butter." He hissed. Merry hugged Mr. Whiskers. The pea headed elves and the uruk- carrots were freaky.  
  
"Gandalf?" he whispered. "Why is Aragorn offering that pea headed elf butter?"  
  
"Butter is used as currency in the realm of the pea headed elves."  
  
"Weird."  
  
"Tell us what you know!" Aragorn said. The pea headed elf looked around to see that nobody was watching and slipped the butter into his robes.  
  
"Alright. The uruk-carrots stormed Minas Pea. They turned it into a sleazy carrot juice bar. All of the pea headed elves were enslaved and made to dance on tables while singing 'Whenever, Wherever' by Shakira. The uruk- carrots worship Shakira like a God. There is only one way to defeat the uruk-carrots.."  
  
The Fellowship looked on expectantly. The pea headed elf cleared his throat.  
  
"I'll tell you for more butter." Aragorn handed over another stick of butter.  
  
"They have an idol of Shakira made of carrots in the back room. Cut off the head of it and the uruk-carrots will be destroyed."  
  
"Ok. Let's go." Aragorn led the way into the sleazy carrot juice bar.  
  
There were dozens of wooden tables. On about half of them pea headed elves were chained and dancing to 'whenever, wherever.' while the uruk- carrots cheered. The rest of the Fellowship went to find the idol of Shakira made of carrots while Aragorn secretly slunk over to the bar. An oily looking uruk-carrot cleaned the tabletop.  
  
"What do you want." It growled at Aragorn.  
  
"Do you have butter?" Aragorn said, pushing some carrot slices across the countertop. The uruk carrot looked at the carrot slices.  
  
"Sure, we got butter. Lots of butter." Aragorn eyes the bar hungrily and rather crazily. "I can give you butter. But..for a couple extra carrot slices you can have a butter experience that you've never imagined." Aragorn laid another handful of carrot slices on the bar.  
  
"Give it to me." He whispered huskily.  
  
**  
  
The remainder of the Fellowship went in the dank hallways of Minas Pea.  
  
"How are we going to find the idol of Shakira made out of carrots Gandalf?" said Gimli.  
  
"It's easy!" he said, jumping forward. "Follow the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road. Follow follow follow follow follow the yellow brick road!!!! Lalalalala..." He sung as he skipped merrily into the darkness.  
  
"Uh oh." The Fellowship said.  
  
"He must have gone insane from smoking all those peas." Said Pippin sadly.  
  
"What are we going to do now?" asked Legolas. "Oh, if only Oprah were here." Sam looked down at the ground.  
  
"Hmmmm, a playgirl..." he muttered. "With all the guys heads cut out and replaced with a picture of Frodo?! What luck!" he hugged it to his chest and went into the shadows.  
  
"Sam? Sam, where'd you go?" Merry said.  
  
"NO!!! IT IS MY OWN!!! MY PRECIOSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!" Sam hissed. Then silence.  
  
"Sam? SAM!"  
  
"There's only 6 of us left to find the Shakira idol." Said Gimli. Merry hugged Mr. Whiskers. They continued on the endless hallway. Then..a voice. Sweet, and haunting, with laughter like the ringing of hundreds of tiny, silvery bells. THE DREADED MARY SUE!!!!!!!  
  
"Come into the light......." The sweet voice beckoned.  
  
"DO NOT LISTEN TO IT!!!" Legolas cried.  
  
"Come...you will meet with what you have always dreamed....if you just come with me........" The rest of the Fellowship, unable to resist the beautiful voice, stepped into the sparkling light. Then...a beautiful woman. Long, curling blonde hair and piercing blue eyes, in a dress as white as snow. She smiled.  
  
"Come...." Frodo, his eyes wide, followed her with Pippin, Boromir, and Gimli. She rested a slender hand on Frodo's shoulder.  
  
"Will you not also come, sweet elf and good hobbit?" she whispered. "I have heard that the set of Oprah is near...I know the way.." Legolas, zombie-like, followed her. "And you, Merry?" she asked. Merry clutched Mr. Whiskers.  
  
"NO!! I WILL NOT COME WITH YOU!!!" The Mary Sue suddenly changed. Its dress grew smaller, its skin blacker, its head...oranger? IT HAD TURNED INTO AN URUK-CARROT!!!!  
  
"YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME!!!!!!!!!!!" It bellowed. Merry ran and ran and ran...when he struck something that smelled of carrots. It was the Shakira idol!!!! Footsteps were behind him. The uruk-carrot was gaining fast..  
  
*in slow motion*  
  
"IIIIIIIIII WILLLLLL GEETTTTT YOUUUUU LITTTLEEEEE HOBBITTTTT!!!!!" The uruk-carrot runs with its arms outstretched.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Merry runs for the Shakira idol. The uruk-carrot body-slams into Merry.  
  
"MRRRRRR. WHISKERSSSSSSSSSSS YOUUUU AREEEEE OURRRR ONLYYYYY HOPEEEEEEE.." Merry throws Mr. Whiskers. Mr. Whiskers flies through the air. He hits the head of the Shakira idol. Shakira's head slowly falls and thuds to the ground.  
  
*end of slow motion*  
  
Suddenly, the uruk-hai disappeared. The black rooms filled with sunlight. Merry picked up Mr. Whiskers and made his way to the front. The pea headed elves were free!!!!! They turned off the Shakira music and their chains dissolved. The remainder of the fellowship gathered around Merry.  
  
"We're sorry Merry! We'll never be seduced by the Mary Sue again!" they said. Everyone was happy. Until-  
  
"....Where's Aragorn?"  
  
**  
  
"Mmmmmm. Butter, butter so good.." A voice mumbled from the other side of the door.  
  
"You go in." said Sam.  
  
"No you go in." said Boromir.  
  
"No you go in."  
  
"No you."  
  
"No you."  
  
"YOU!"  
  
"YOUUU!!!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!! I'LL go in." said Gandalf. He opened the door timidly. "Aragorn? Araaaaaaagorn..?" Then they saw him. He was lying in a pool of butter, with several empty tubs scattered around. He had sculpted two girls in thongs out of butter, and had on a crown that said, 'the butter king.'  
  
**  
  
Merry sighed. This chapter had been really, really scary. Mr. Whiskers had saved the day, there had been Pea headed elves, uruk-carrots, and idols of Shakira. But he hoped he would never have to see the Mary Sue again. That was the scariest of all.  
  
*The Last Author's Note, I Promise* Oh PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	16. Chapter Sixteen : Captain Cocosnuff, The...

Yes, I have not updated in forever. I am very, very, bad. I'm sorry, I promise! *Everyone starts to throw rotten fruit with angry faces painted on them at me* I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!!!! SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!! *sobs* I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry...  
  
SO MANY REVIEWS!!!! *Hops up and down and screams* THANK YOU ALL! I absolutely adore each and every one of you, and if I could I would beam you all to my house and give you cookies and milk. And some fruit-roll-ups. And maybe sour cream and onion potato chips. ANYWAY, thank you all so much! I am UNIMAGINABLY grateful, and so happy I'm practically bursting out of my skin!  
  
THANKS TO THE EVIL WITCH QUEEN FOR THE COCO BEAN INSPIRATION!!!  
  
WE'RE ALMOST AT 200!!!!!!!! *dies with a blissful smile but is reincarnated to thank her reviewers*  
  
Individual thanks from the most recent reviewers to the very first:  
  
Sokochan - ANOTHER POTO FAN!!! (poto, hehe, interesting abbreviation, huh?) Oh, I'm glad you like drugged out Gandalf. Thank you SO MUCH FOR REVIEWING! I hope you like this chapter, too!!!  
  
the evil witch queen - Hi ho to you too! THANK YOU for the ideas- they're what inspired me to write this chapter! I was so stuck with writer's block and whatnot, and then your review came along and it was like *poof*! And a little light bulb flickered on above my head. Absolute brilliance. You are a genius. A GENIUS!  
  
normal human being - Wow, you left like 800 reviews! HOORAY! I am OFFICIALLY obsessed with your story. You must UPDATE SOON, or I shall be forced to use drastic measures. You will wake up one morning with a rubber doll of Aragorn on your pillow. Then a rubber doll of Gandalf hanging from your ceiling the next day. And it won't stop until you've seen all nine rubber dolls of the Fellowship. And then, when the ninth day draws to a close...*scary music plays* DUH NU NUHHHHH!!!!  
  
Rosie Baggins - I am hurt! Not....funny....enough? *breaks down and cries* I'm..*sob* sorry....*tear* so sorry.....*cries with reckless abandon and runs away*  
  
Sirius Black - Oh, you HAVE to dye your hair silver. That would be AWESOME. You MUST update your Legend of Lothlórien fic - I cannot wait. Thank for all of your wonderful comments towards my story!!! I absolutely ADORE yours as well - so fantastically well-written!! Don't scream - I updated, look! *points to story* seeeeeeee??? *puts on Queen of Comedy crown* MWAHAHA!! I am a queennnnnnnn! A QUEEN!!!!!! *waves around a golden scepter and hits herself in the head, knocking herself unconscious* Ugh..blue..cheese..?  
  
James Blonde - I am not brilliant. YOU ARE BRILLIANT! Update that Harry Potter story of yours for Aragorn's sake! No really, if you don't update soon, Aragorn here gets it. *points to Aragorn suspended over a vat of lime jello by a licorice bungee cord* THANK YOU FOR SAYING TO UPDATE! That was what inspired me to post this chapter soon soon soon! Thank you!!!! I LOVE YOU (IN A FRIENDLY WAY)!!!!!!!!!  
  
Elvish Firebolt - No worries, I got your change of name. I like it too...Elvish Firebolt. Sounds pretty cool. Yep. Anyway, so glad you still like it. It has been hard, sometimes, to go on... but with courage I persevered. I hope you like this chapter as much as the others! I hoopppeee!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!  
  
Me - No no! It will not end HERE! Much, much more to do! Yessss preciousssss, yessssssss.....  
  
curseofshadows - OOOO HOORAY! I love you tooooo!!! Of COURSE I will keep going...through rain, or snow, or sleet, or hail, or freaky snowstorms brought on by Saruman, I will KEEP GOING!!!!!!!! Thank you for REVIEWIIINNGG!!!!!  
  
Elendor - your 'sure, I was banned from ONE café, but it was worth it, my god was it worth it.' made me burst out laughing uncontrollably. That one line was in my head ALL DAY, I SWEAR! Yeah, the manager's in internet café's are mean! : ( I love SOUR SKITTLES TOO!!! HOORAY!!! I hope you like this chapter as much as the last ones! THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR INCREDIBLE REVIEWS!!  
  
Saint Kitty - chan - OMG I'm glad you like it! Yes, I think A LOT of people will never think of LOTR the same way again after reading this, LOL. Thanks for reviewing, and I hope you like the new chapter as much as the others!!  
  
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE - are you related to the other 'me' who also reviewed? Just wondering, = ). THE BEST FIC YOU HAVE EVER READ?! *passes out* THANK YOU!!!! Yeah, its really really random. BUT I'm GLAD YOU LIKE IT!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!  
  
Jedi - Hobbit - I UPDATED, just...not..very..soon..*hides* LOL, I'm glad you like Mr. Whiskers. I had a stuffed cat named Mr. Whiskers once and, PRESTO!!! Mr. Whiskers. I hope you like this chapter too, and I LOVE your name, jedi-hobbit, LOL. I can just PICTURE Merry with a light saber. LMAO.  
  
PATIENCE101 - Ah, finally ONE PERSON who will not be mad that I haven't updated in forever because you have PATIENCE!! (I hope) I'm SO HAPPY you think its funny!! I hope you like this one just as much! = ) THANK YOU!  
  
reanna - Yep, a weird chapter, and I'm weird too, of course! : ) How else could I write such weird stuff? I TRIED to update soon, I really, really did, and I had such GOOD INTENTIONS....but ALAS! ANYWAY, at least its here now, and I hope you enjoy it, and thanks again! : ) : )  
  
Catreen Dragonsword - Your insane reviews always cheer me up! = ) And now I have some insane things to say to you : PURPLE POPTARTS WITH BANANA CREAM FROSTING!! WHERE HAS ALL THE INSANITY GONE? INTO HERSHEY'S COOKIES AND CREAM, A MOUTH FULL OF INSANITY IN EVERY BITE!! FLYING RAINBOW MONKIES!!! *face turns red and passes out*  
  
Black cat - I TRIED TO UPDATE SOON!!!! *sobs* LOL, I have no idea how I thought of Shakira OR the butter!! These kinds of things seem to pop into my head! I'm glad you liked it though. I'm so happy you think its funny, because when I first started this story, I thought everyone would hate it!! You're an AWESOME reviewer, THANK YOU SO MUCH!  
  
Seiji - Aww, I hate computer glitches! I hope you like it so far though, and I hope you were able to read the rest! THANKS FOR REVIEWING!!  
  
The Famous Chibi - Cola - I think this chapter may be even more disturbing. *hushed silence* Yeah, with Shakira and Britney Spears..I keep using blonde pop stars!! Freaky with a capital F! Oh yes, and the dreaded Mary Sue( SHE WAS BLONDE TOO! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!) I wanted to kill her SO BAD, but I guess she disappeared after the Shakira idol was destroyed, LOL. UPDATE YOUR STORY NOW CHIBI! Or I may be forced to do...bad..things...WE ARE THE WEIRD FANGIRLS!!! HOORAY!!!  
  
Lotr Fan - You stayed up all night reading it?! What a compliment! = ) THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I wrote more! Please..don't..kill..me...  
  
Sakura - There's more butter in this chapter, Don't worry!!! Awww, I'm glad you liked it, and I hope you like this chapter too! THANK YOU!  
*IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT* Hey, if you guys want to give me your e-mail addresses I'll e - mail you when I update! = )  
  
And, without further long thank you's that were almost as long as the actual chapter, I give you :  
Chapter Sixteen : Captain CocoSnuff, The Coco Bean Army of Death, and Blue cheese?!  
  
After luring Aragorn away from his room of butter, the Fellowship had stopped for a small break. A little while ago Sam had slunk into the bushes with a mysterious duffel bag, and the Fellowship desperately DID NOT want to know what he was doing with it. Then -  
  
"GONNA GET DIRRTY! IT'S ABOUT TIME FOR MY ARRIVAL, UH!" Sam had appeared out of the bushes wearing a catholic schoolgirl's outfit with pink pigtails, with his shirt tied up revealing a very hairy stomach with a red tattoo of 'I love Frodo' in a circle around his bellybutton. Frodo, his eyes wide and terrified as he halted in singing 'All The Things She Said', tried to bolt into the forest, but Sam was quicker.  
  
"MOVE YOUR ASS, I LIKE THAT!" Sam sang in a horribly off pitch warble, dirty dancing around Frodo. However, Frodo was able to slink away and Sam, trying to run after him, knocked headlong into a large, suspicious- looking tree. The tree shook from the impact, and from its branches dropped hundreds of strangle looking brown balls that smelled vaguely of chocolate. The Fellowship crowded around the small pile.  
  
"Butter?" Aragorn said hopefully, poking one with a stick. The brown thing squeaked, and opened two large black eyes.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed, jumping into Gandalf's arms.  
  
"Oh Aragorn, I never knew you felt this way." He said with a suggestive wink. Then he scowled. "NO MRS. LEATHERY! I'M NOT CHEATING ON YOU! What, are you saying I can't even LOOK at other people now?" He listened with a frown. "You're being ridiculous!" he listened again. "WELL AT LEAST I NEVER HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A SHINY REFLECTIVE TOASTER!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" Aragorn screamed again, running to his pack where he had kept a tub of butter from the Sleazy Carrot Juice bar and eating some to calm down.  
  
"Hello!" said a round ball bouncing forward wearing a blue hat. "I am the leader of The Coco Bean Army of Death, Captain Cocosnuff. We are going to rule Middle Earth! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHA, MWAHAH....ahem." The Fellowship stared. The little brown ball was the size of Pippin's big toe.  
  
"And, umm, how will you rule Middle Earth exactly?" asked Boromir.  
  
"Simple! We will turn into Kit Kat bars and be bought by all the people of middle earth because of our chocolaty goodness. When they try to eat us, we will hypnotize them with our Coco Bean Mind Trick!" said Captain Cocosnuff. He bounced up and his eyes turned into black and white swirly pinwheels, spinning around and around and around and around and -  
  
"Yes master...." Boromir muttered, drooling slightly.  
  
"Hahahaha! We already have one under our control!" said Captain Cocosnuff. "Now come along, my Coco Bean slave, let's begin to take over Middle Earth!" He jumped onto Boromir's shoulder, and the entire Coco Bean Army hopped away into the forest.  
  
"Take over Middle Earth by turning into Kit Kat bars?" said Sam.  
  
"NO! WE CANNOT LET THEM! I LOVE KIT KAT BARS! THEY CANNOT BE EVIL, no, no, please no..." said Gimli frantically.  
  
"What are we going to do?" said Sam.  
  
"I think I have a plan." Aragorn whispered huskily.  
  
*Meanwhile..*  
  
"I think I have a plan." Said Captain Cocosnuff, in his secret Coco Bean Hideout.  
  
"A plan." said Boromir, wildly chewing on a bar of chocolate.  
  
"The Coco Bean Army will hide under your hat. You will go back to those hairy people and give them a piece of blue cheese as an offering of peace. Then we will jump out, hypnotize them, and use them as pawns! MWAHAHA! MWAHAHA, MWAHAHAH..ahem."  
  
"Hairy people..cheese..yes...master.." Boromir said, taking the blue cheese and putting on a pink feathery hat. The Coco Bean army jumped under it and he left the secret Coco Bean Hideout to carry out Captain Cocosnuff's evil master plan.  
  
*Back With Everyone Else..*  
  
"Ok. Here's the plan. Gimli will make an elaborate net out of Sam's porn magazines and the hair from his beard. Then, Frodo will hop out of the bushes wearing butter camouflage fatigues and round up the army using Legolas' Oprah collection on DVD and Gandalf's pot. Finally, using my dirty hair as a whip, I will throw the porn - hair net onto the Coco Bean Army of Death and we will save Middle Earth!"  
  
Aragorn looked around expectantly.  
  
".....why don't we just give them blue cheese as an offering of peace and then throw them into an empty bucket?"  
  
"OK!" said everyone. Oh course, there was a major flaw in their plan. They had no blue cheese. Finally, they tied Aragorn to a tree and mixed some of his butter with Gandalf's blue hallucinatory pot. They looked at the result.  
  
"I'm scared Mr. Whiskers." Said Merry, hiding behind Frodo.  
  
"It looks KINDA like cheese." Said Gimli.  
  
"Or something in a horror movie you see before you die."  
  
"Or a dancing zucchini." Everyone stared at Pippin.  
  
"Wait! I hear something rustling in the woods!" said Legolas. The Fellowship all ran into the forest clearing where they heard the sound.  
  
There was a brick well alone in the middle. There seemed to be a scratching sound coming from inside. Then...A HAND APPEARED OUT OF THE WELL!  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Legolas screamed. "IT'S THE GIRL FROM 'THE RING'!!! DON'T LET HER GET Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." He ran away in to the trees and disappeared. The Fellowship stared nervously. There was a munching sound. Then another hand appeared, holding what looked like....a chocolate bar?  
  
"BOROMIR!" everyone yelled. Boromir pulled himself out of the well, wearing a pink feathery hat, and still eating the chocolate. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Hehehe, here, doing, hehe. Blueeeeeeeeee cheeseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...." He said, handing Gandalf melted blue cheese.  
  
"It must be from Captain Cocosnuff as an offer of peace!" Gandalf whispered.  
  
"Blueeee cheeseeeeeeeee." Boromir agreed, drooling. Then, suddenly, THE ENTIE COCO BEAN ARMY OF DEATH POPPED OUT FROM UNDER THE PINK FEAHERY HAT BOROMIR WAS WEARING!  
  
"AH!" screamed Merry. "Don't look into their eyes!"  
  
"THE BUCKET!" Gandalf yelled. "WHERE. IS. THE. BUCKET?!" A few feet away, Sam was again wearing the catholic school - girl's outfit but with a blue shirt, pigtails, and admiring his reflection in the shiny bottom of the steel bucket. Boromir saw the blue shirt and immediately went insane.  
  
"BLUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE CHEESEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed, knocking into Sam and sending the bucket flying. The bucket flew through the air in slow motion, until landing directly on THE COCO BEAN ARMY OF DEATH!!  
  
"Yey! Boromir! YOU CAUGHT THEM!!" everyone yelled.  
  
"....blue cheese..?" said Boromir.  
  
Merry hugged Mr. Whiskers tightly. Captain Cocosnuff was scary. And the Coco Bean Army of Death. And he never wanted to hear 'blue cheese' again.  
  
*Author's Note (THE LAST ONE, I SWEAR!)* OH PLEASE REVIEW!!!!! 


	17. Chapter Seventeen : The Care Bears ATTAC...

****

Complete Insanity 

_By: Celeny_

****

****

****

****

**_Author's Note_** – Yes. I know. I KNOW. I have not updated in, well, forever. O what a rogue and peasant slave am I!!!!! But please, PLEASE dear friends, forgive me. I am ashamed. ASHAMED. I SHALL MAKE IT UP TO YOU! I swear it! I shall, update SOON! SOOOOON!! SOONER THAN I HAVE EVER UPDATED BEFORE! 

_By the way_ – If you CRAVE more Insanity in the mean time, check out my '**Order of the Gold Thing'**. Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin must save the world from the terrors of fine dining and fancy French food. It is…..interesting. : )

Individual thanks below, but, before you read those, my loves, know that Dumbledore's appearance was suggested by the brilliant **Me**, as is Gimli's little elf doll inserted for the wondrous **evil witch queen**. 

**Normal Human Being** – No, you cannot be normal, no matter what your name may suggest! Do not be eaten by the tobacco based products! You cannot! You cannot be hung either! I shall take your place like in 'A Tale of Two Cities' and romantically make a speech how it is a far, far better thing I do now than I have ever done before, and then I will die, die glistening BRAVELY in the sunlight, yet shout my love for you, my dear reviewer! MY DEAR REVIEWER!!!!!!

**Elendor** – Here's your new chapter, slut! : ) What IS a jaffa cake, exactly? I have never had one. Are they good? Not grounded? Hooray! But still banned….hehe. A goose called Bazil? I MUST USE IT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER! It's very interesting when you eat and eat, and don't realize it, and suddenly you've eaten the whole box! VERY INSTERESTING INDEED……

**Elgatocat** – Yey! Funny funny! I die blissfully, you see. And YES, I have WRITTEN MORE, it just took me ::looks at watch:: three months! NOOO!!! I AM SORRY!!!! I GET ON MY KNEES BEFORE YOU!!!! 

**Begora John** – MY LOVE! Thank you for all the reviews! I shall adore you for all time. Do you know, I think Aragorn WAS at the Barenaked Ladies concert….I DISTINCTLY remember him seeing something that he thought was called 'Barenaked Butter'…..hmmmm….

**Amy (****Dûnathiel)** – Why thank you ever so! : ) PIKACHU! Yes, I am QUITE FOND of the little rat, I keep it around somewhere and it often does my cooking and cleaning…. Thank you for reviewing! I shall adore your memory for YEARS TO COME!!

**Krystlsailormoon** – Oooo, Samarah LIVES with you! I suppose she often claims that she is misunderstood. I loved the Cabbage Patch Kids, you, in fact, half inspired me with the Care Bears! I know not how, but you did! I WILL NOT QUESTION YOUR ACRONYMS! I AM SORRY, SO SORRY!!

**Me** – so ME is not related to you? Hmm. Not even distant cousins, perhaps? Are you SURE? OMG yes! I DID make DUMBLEDORE have a CAMEO! LOOK, LOOK BELOW! I DID! THANK YOU!! I AM FOREVER IN YOUR DEBT!!!

**PATIENCE101** – Ah, my patient friend! It matters not to YOU if I have not updated for THREE MONTHS!! ::covers mouth in shame:: YOU THINK IT 'TIS FUNNY, AND I SHALL NEVER SURRENDER! HOORAY!! HOORAY!!

**Reanna and millie** – Alas me dear hearts! I did not update faster! I AM SORRY!!! But perhaps you can find it in your hearts to forgive? Forgive forgive? Forgiveforgiveforgiveforgive? But thank you EVER SO FOR REVIEWING!! I WUV YOU REANNA AND MILLIE!! I WUV YOU BOTH!!

**Sirius Black** – My love, my darling love! I FINALLY UPDATED!!! IT HAS BEEN AN ETERNITY!!! WHERE is 'The Therapist' missy? HMMMM???? Argh, 25 year old brothers. THEY KNOW NOTHING! You CRASHED into the BACK DOOR?? LOL. Oh my! But YOU, YOUUUU NEED TO UPDATE TOO! GET TYPING ON THAT KEYBOARD!! NOWW!!

**Black cat –** My love, THANK YOU FOR THE MULTIPLE REVIEWS! I believe I SHOULD have Avril drop by… OH YES! But what would MRS.LEATHERY THE HAT THINK?? Hmm. JEALOUSY, perhaps? LOL. 

**The evil witch queen** – OF COURSE you are that good dahling! GIMLI HAVING AN ELF DOLL!! I HAVE PUT IT IN!! LOOK BELOW!! SEE?! I love you! WONDERFUL IDEAS! Now update your Little Legolas fic or I shall be forced to use DRASTIC measures! DRASTIC!!

**FrodoelessarBaggins** – Interesting name! : ) Cool and 'Twisted'? MMMMM, TWISTED! Me like! THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH!! I love you SO DEARLY for reviewing!

**Gina Sikh** – A…….SUPER GIFTED MIND???? ::Jumps up and down and up and down and up again and down again:: YEY!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!! Let me tell you, it wasn't gifted enough to figure out how to insert bold and italics until today, so shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Keep it on the down – low. Low – down. NO DOUBT! 

**Jedi-hobbit** – OOOOO!! YOU MAY NAME ONE OF YOUR STUFFED ANIMALS MR. WHISKERS!!! ::dies:: Yes, I DO love your name,  oh so PASSIONATELY! OHHH, I'm so glad you like it! Perhaps you'll like this chapter TOO! I LOVE YOU FOR REVIEWING!!! HOORAY!!!

**My dear love, the oh-so-famous CHIBI-COLA – **I have something to say to you, missy. WHEN WILL YOU UPDATE, HUH????? WHEN??? Two FABULOUS fics you have that YOU NEVER UPDATE!! But, I can of course understand and forgive, for I am like that myself. : ( YOUR INSPIRATION CANNOT DIE!!!!! ::Gives mouth-to-mouth to the Inspiration:: NOOOO!! SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!! TAKE IT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM! WE……CAN…..NOT….LOSE…..THIS…..INSPIRATION!!

**Chapter Seventeen** : Care Bears ATTACK! Freddy Krueger style!

"The Care Bears attack….." muttered Sam in his sleep. He tossed and turned on his pillow. 

_::Inside Sam's dream::_

"NO!! PLEASE NOOOOO!!!" Sam yelled. He was sitting at a yellow table on top of a cloud, wearing a pink frilly dress as Care Bears served him tea. 

"Do you take cream or sugar?" Cheer Bear asked him cheerfully. "Or would you rather TAKE FRODO TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND!!!!!!!!" It shouted suddenly, it's head growing red horns and spinning around like in The Exorcist. 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sam yelled, and his voice faded away, faded away, faded away, faded away, faded away…………….

_::Back with the rest of the Fellowship::_

"But why did you need to have the RED lip frost? You know I ADORE the color…" mumbled Gimli as he rolled over onto his stomach, clutching his stuffed elf doll in the shape of Legolas and immediately strangled himself with his beard. A little farther away, Gandalf was moaning happily as he hugged Mrs. Leathery the Hat. 

_::Inside Gandalf's dream::_

"Oooo, Mrs. Leathery, I didn't know you were so…..skilled." he said with a girlish giggle. He was stretched on a massage table, seemingly nude, as Mrs. Leathery massaged his back. How a hat learned that ability, we may never know. "Use the vanilla oil." He whispered huskily. Then – 

"AHHHHHHH!!!!" He leapt up from the massage table, grabbing a random leaf that appeared to cover his……manliness. A large brown bear had appeared with hearts on its stomach, holding what looked like a large chainsaw. 

"Wakey, wakey." It said with an evil smile. 

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!" Gandalf and Mrs. Leathery screamed. 

_::Back with, well, obviously…::_

"Once…..more……you opppppeeennnn the dooorrrr…….and you're here in my heart and, my heart will, go on and onnnnnn…." Frodo sang softly as he dreamed. Turning onto his side, he smiled gently. 

_::Inside Frodo's dream::_

"Thank you! Thank you! Yes, I love you too! Well, it is SUCH AN HONOR to perform Celine Dion's greatest hits live!" Frodo was standing upon a large stage, facing an enormous crowd that was cheering at his every word. "Now I'll sing one of my favorites….."

CHEER CHEER CHEER

"Called 'It's All Coming Back to Me Now'." 

CHEER CHEER CHEER

"But when you TOUCH me like this, and you HOLD me like that, I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me….." Frodo crooned. Then, like magic, the entire screaming crowd turned into a MASS OF CARE BEARS!!!! They rushed the stage, all grinning maniacally with hearts in their eyes. 

"AHHHHHHH!!!!! SECURITYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!" Frodo screamed, before there was only darkness. 

_::Back With Everyone Else::_

Aragorn sat up, panting. He started sucking his thumb and pulled his emergency tub of butter closer as he looked at Frodo, Sam, and Gandalf who were muttering and screaming in their sleep. Merry looked up too, staring at Pippin, Gimli, and Boromir who all seemed ok. Suddenly Legolas started to toss and turn on his blankets, whimpering….

_::Inside Legolas' Dream::_

"Why yes, I would like a honey biscuit." He said, sipping coffee with his pinky finger in the air. Across from him was Oprah, who was offering him a piece of paper. 

"Now if you look it over, Mr. Greenleaf, I think you'll find we've offered you a very nice sum for your new job as my co-host. In fact," she gave him a roguish wink, "we managed to get you a L'Oreal hair modeling contract as well, along with a life time supply of honey biscuits, cinnamon cookies, and ginger snaps." Legolas started to giggle maniacally. 

"Oooo, my FAVORITE!" then, like a nightmare, Oprah turned into a LARGE GREEN CAREBEAR HOLDING A BRANDING IRON!!!

"ANOTHER HONEY BISCUIT???" It growled, as Legolas screamed and screamed and screamed….

_::Back, with The Group::_

"What do you think is happening?" Gimli said. Pippin stared at them, shaking, muttering 'no, please, no'. 

"SNAP OUT OF IT, FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN!!!" Aragorn said, slapping him. "NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING?" 

"Ok. I think that evil Care Bears are attacking our minds when they are in their most vulnerable state (i.e. sleep) like some twisted version of a 'Nightmare on Elm Street' and, consequently, destroying our sanity and our bodies as we lie in gentle slumber."

***crickets chirp***

….

….

….

"But what's happening?" 

_::Two hours Later::_

"THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO!!" said Pippin triumphantly, pulling a book from his pocket that was titled 'Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Care Bears and Were Afraid to Ask or Just too Lazy to Research or Not Intelligent Enough to Know or Just Perhaps Found Your Friends Being Attacked Through Their Dreams and Wanted to Know What to Do About it'. 

He flipped open to a page that read : SO, YOUR FRIENDS ARE BEING ATTACKED THROUGH THEIR DREAMS. EVERYTHING YOU COULD EVER WANT TO KNOW ABOUT CARE BEAR EXORCISM. 

"It says here that you need stakes, holy water, a Sponge Bob Squarepants plushie toy, and you need to recite this verse here." 

"I'VE GOT THE SPONGEBOB TOY!!!!" yelled Gimli proudly, who was wearing a SpongeBob T-shirt that said WARNING : ABSORBANT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE on it. He pulled it out of his pocket and handed it to Pippin. 

"EWW GIMLI! This isn't a SpongeBob plushie! It's a picture of SpongeBob in racy red lingerie that's signed To Gimli - My Very Naughty Boy, Love SpongeBob!"

"Oops, hehe." He said, giving the plushie to Pippin. 

"Ok. Now, we need to light these candles and say this verse." Pippin said, handing out SpongeBob candles and opening the book. 

"WHO LIVES IN OUR HEADS AND KILLS US THROUGH DREAMS?" he said loudly. 

"EVIL CARE BEARS!" everyone else replied. 

"WHO HAVE GOOD FASHION TASTE BUT ARE KIND OF CREEPY?" 

"EVIL CARE BEARS!" 

"WHO LIKE SEA WEED WRAPS AND FOAMY COFEES!"

"EVIL CARE BEARS!" 

"BUT CAN TURN INTO OPRAH WITH THE GREATEST OF EASE!" 

"EVILLLLL CARREEE BEARSSSSS!!!!!!!" 

Silence. 

The verse ended. Everyone looked around expectantly. 

"It doesn't seem to be DOING anythi – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" screamed Gimli. At the moment, DUMBLEDORE appeared with a loud !!POP!! 

"Away, ye swarmy knaves!" he said, waving his arms in front of the nightmare-having Fellowship. 

He INSTANTLY disappeared with another !!POP!! 

Suddenly, the Fellowship began to stir. The slowly sat up and looked around. 

"I had the WEIRDEST dream." Sam said. 

"Yeah, and old guy waved his hands and disappeared…." Gandalf giggled. "Kind of sexy." 

Everyone stared. 

Merry held Mr. Whiskers closely. It had been scary. Very scary. Especially with those Care Bears. But what scared him most of all was Gimli's SpongeBob obsession. He shuddered. It was just unnatural. 

**Last Author's Note** – OH PLEASE REVIEW!! I BEG!! 


End file.
